The Hard Way
by Skandron
Summary: Raph & Leo have been fighting for years, but what do they really mean to each other?  Where did the distance between them really come from and can it ever be closed?  It may already be too late to try.  R&L centric\ TCEST
1. Chapter 1

WARNING - This story contains elements of slash.

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><p><em>Furious brown eyes. Hard. Edged with anger and layered in a passionate frustration built on years of struggle and regret. Raph was a pro at reading his brother by now. Reading him, defying him … hurting him. Year upon year of it, like the rings of a tree. Each layer seemed to fall between them, a wall that got thicker every year. And yet … as time passed Leo only pushed harder to bridge the gap. A gap that Raph refused to traverse. A nagging voice whispered that he was being a coward and he smothered it stubbornly, only angrier and more defiant for the traitorous thought. They stared at each other in the dark, tension coiling. Each waiting to see where the darkness would lead them this time.<em>

'Why do we always have to do things the hard way? Why can't you just talk to me?' Leonardo demanded finally, voice giving form to that look in his eyes. Weary, frustrated. Pleading.

Damn those eyes and damn the question. Raphael clenched his fists against a sudden irrational urge to touch his brothers face … soothe away that look and all the pain it implied. But he couldn't … didn't know how to let go of the coiled resentment simmering away in his guts, didn't know how to be anything other than what he'd always been. The words burst out of him against his will, far more raw emotion surging in his voice than he'd intended to admit.

'What the hell do you want from me, Leo? You're Splinter's favourite, Don adores you and you know Mikey worships you. You've got everyone eating out of your hand except me and it's still not enough?'

Leonardo flinched as the words echoed harshly through the tunnel. 'Raph … Mike and Don … I can't … I can't think of them that way. They'll always be my little brothers, the ones I need to protect.' He took a risk, stepping forward to place a warm hand against Raphael's neck in a grip both gentle and intimate, encouraging and possessive. Raph shivered at the touch, muscles coiled so tight they hurt, because it felt good … it felt right, and it made him want more. Leo's voice was soft again, warm breath laced faintly with the familiar nutmeg scent that was distinctly his brothers, a scent that brought echoes of warmth and laughter from times long past, when two brothers had been closer than twins. Leo continued, encouraged when Raph didn't push him away immediately. He brushed a thumb along the emerald green jaw, trying and failing to keep the raw longing out of his voice. 'I know you feel it ... There's always been something more between us and I'm tired of pretending that I don't want … that I don't wish we could … ' He faltered uncertainly, aware of the blades edge he walked. 'If a relationship was ever going to work amongst us, it has be be between equals and you and I-'

Raphael felt a surge of disbelief roar to the surface and slapped his brother's hand away with a snarl. Even to his own ears his words were rough with ugliness. 'Your equal? When have I EVER been your fucking equal? I've never been good enough for anything in this family! You know what … fuck you, Leo. We both learned a long time ago that we don't always get what we want.' He finished the words with a direct, icy glare, resentment raw and ragged in his chest.

There was a brief pause as shock flickered across his brother's face, quickly replaced by a moment of painful vulnerability that sickened him. Leo was the strong one. The ninja master. Big brother … it shouldn't be so easy to hurt someone so strong with simple words. But it was and always had been. The moment dissolved as if it had never been, another layer on the wall and Raphael glared into the shadows as his brother turned away abruptly, shoulders quivering for a long painful moment before he finally looked back, eyes narrowed dangerously.

'Do you really hate me so much?' It wasn't really a question. 'We've got our whole lives ahead of us, Raph ... just the four of us in the entire world and Don's pretty sure we're going to live at least a few centuries. That's a long time to be alone, little brother.'

Raphael turned away from the raw whisper, his heart heavy and cold as cast iron in his chest. His lungs were burning, head throbbing, it was hard to breathe … there was no air in there, and he suddenly wanted to say he was sorry, that he was too fucked up to be with anyone without screwing it up … that maybe … maybe he was just scared of ruining it and having nothing left, because if it didn't work … what then? … but Leonardo turned away before the words could form and

_… he couldn't breathe ... _

_No ... No air!_

His eyes snapped open to darkness and terror. Water … everywhere. In his mouth, up his snout … he was sinking fast, suffocating … _Drowning!_Panic surged instant and wrenching.

Instinct clamped his mouth shut against the icy invasion, pushing the water out of his throat in a strangled snarl of panic. Precious oxygen and muddy water swirled past his tongue and he fought the urge to scream because he couldn't afford to lose any more of those silvery bubbles.

The water tasted like silt and salt, pollution and algae. The harbour, his mind registered in shock. Sinking fast away from the faint light way above him! He couldn't move! Couldn't swim! Raph thrashed in panic against the pressure binding him … Chains … the muffled clinking and hard edges digging into his muscles. He heaved, ignoring the bruises and the blood that suddenly swirled through the water, trying to drag his wrists down through the loops and felt harsh links cut into the back of his neck. He changed tack, wriggling, trying to pull his wrists through more gradually, but the loops around the top of the whole thing were too heavy, too tight. He could barely feel his fingers, his biceps throbbed with pain and the pressure of having his arms strapped tightly to his plastron made the burning in his half empty lungs even worse. The weight of it was dragging him relentlessly down into the darkness. The urge to scream in enraged terror gripped him hard but there was no air to waste on useless fear.

A shadow sank past his right shoulder, streaming its own bubble trail, struggling uselessly as the water sucked him down. He wrenched himself aside and caught a glimpse of a twisted face … the kid he'd failed to save. Feet set in concrete, the teenager didn't stand a chance. Through the murk he could hear muffled screams, raw and bloodcurdling, stoking his own terror to a fever pitch. The water … it was killing both of them passively, mercilessly. Raph rolled desperately, struggling to get some control over his descent and failing. They hit the bottom a few metres apart in a swirl of mud and grit.

Raph watched with wide eyes through tendrils of muck, jaw clamped on his own scant breath of air, as the boys terrified eyes dulled. Flailing hands lurched, faltered and then went lax. Fine brown hair floated around the slackened face, the now-vacant eyes. He raged helplessly as the water turned a young boy into a corpse, suspended in silent death.

_How can this be happening?_ He couldn't remember … it was all a confused jumble, his lungs burning, his head pounding and _fuck_, it didn't really matter because he was in serious fucking trouble!

He knew his own limits - judged he could hold his breath for another few minutes if he didn't move around too much, but then what? There was no chance of escaping the chains. They were too tight, too well secured, and far too heavy. He was pinned on his shell against the muddy bottom and the surface was a long, long way up, the night sky barely a glimmer through the gloom. And the water was cold. Too cold. Already he was shivering, feeling the dull, sluggish drag of the cold.

Raphael closed his eyes, trying to fight the roaring voice that told him he was going to die down here. His heart was racing, chewing through his oxygen too fast. If he was going to survive this he would have to pull out all the stops. He opened his eyes and craned his neck, searching the heavy gloom. Nearby were some large shapes, lurking darkly against the inky water. He took a chance, dug his feet into the mud and slid awkwardly across the bottom, praying for something that could help him ...

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><p>He was dying. Slowly, painfully, fighting it hard, but drowning nevertheless. The pressure in his chest was building to a painful burning throb, his pulse thundering through his skull and every instinct told him to expel those last thin bubbles from his lungs and gasp in <em>something<em>. He clamped his teeth against the fatal urge, surging across the bottom, toes sinking into the slime and muck towards the car that had met its end some years earlier. The chevy was on an angle, front end ploughed into the muck, back end pointed towards the distant surface.

Faint lightning from above flickered across the hulking shape. The windscreen was a jagged maw into a pitch black interior. He hooked one leg under the edge of the wheel and used his other leg to flip himself over. It took more effort than he could afford, bubbles choked through his mouth. Panicking, he surged up the bonnet into the dark, slicing his shoulder open on the glass, barely noticing, searching frantically, desperately for some hint of air …. and broke the surface, smashing his snout against the back windshield with an agonised heave.

Explosive gasps for air filled the tiny space as his lungs heaved, coughing, sucking wildly to fill the deficit. His legs scrambled to get a decent purchase, to hold his face up to the small air pocket and found one bare seat frame to wedge his feet against. The air tasted rotten and musty, but nothing had ever been so sweet.

_'Shit … '_He wheezed into the tiny space. His eyes were just barely above the water line, but there was nothing but darkness.

Was this really how it was gonna end? A paperweight on the ocean floor? He tried to control his breathing, gradually easing the panicked gasps back under control, even as he struggled to keep his snout in that tiny oasis of air. Raph didn't know how many minutes the tiny air pocket offered in oxygen … but he didn't need Don there to tell him it wasn't going to be enough. Would he float to the surface when he died? Would the chains be enough to hold him down, or would he rise up, a gruesome, bloated discovery splashed across the news? _Damn it._At least … at least in the car there was a good chance he'd stay under.

Raph's eyes burned even if the tears were instantly swallowed by the silent black water. A strangled whisper stirred the rank air and emerald skin shuddered against the freezing coils of metal that he couldn't shift no matter his strength. It wasn't supposed to end like this. He was supposed to die a warriors death! To at least go down protecting one of his brothers in a clean fight. Not like this … drowned like a dog. Would they even know what happened to him? What would Leo think? That he'd run off and never come back?

_No! I wouldn't fucking do that. I … goddammit!_

He screamed in frustration, able only to hear the muffled roar as a dull echo through the water. Numb green toes slipped from their precarious position and cold, cold, cold swallowed him whole again. And all he could think, as he tumbled like a lead weight across the bottom of the ruined car, was that the last words he'd ever said to his brother … had been lies.

_Leo … I'm sorry ..._

* * *

><p><em>I'm dreaming …<em>

Leonardo found himself suddenly aware as the fog of night dreaming lifted. He was in that place … the other. A plane he often found himself when he meditated. Where all was nothing and nowhere and everywhere all at the same time. But … he wasn't meditating now … he didn't think … so how had he come to be here, and why was Raph here when his brother had never managed to touch the astral planes as far as he knew. Confused, he reached towards the familiar presence and found it. Unlike him, his brother seemed unaware of where he was and Leo's closeness, he simply floated, suspended, connected and yet somehow distant. All was dark and though the atmosphere made him uneasy, the presence of his brother was a comforting flame. Powerful, both casting out flares of golden light and gathering the shadows back into himself in a neverending cycle of bright energy and shifting complexity.

He was beautiful ...

For a moment Leo tried to understand what was happening, a sense of urgency gripped him though nowhere did he detect any danger. Then the presence that was his brother uncoiled slightly and somehow touched him. Shocked him with the sweetness of the contradiction, because this sensation was so gentle, so soft where his brother was usually so hard ... so stubborn.

'Leo …' A whisper, laced with regret and a trace of fear. It sent a shiver of longing up his spine, to soothe away the pain, the uncertainty.

The ephemeral sensation gained strength with the warm slide of a hand gliding along his plastron. Leo quivered when warm fingers found the sensitive skin at the edge of his natural armour and continued upwards, a sensual slide to cradle the line of his neck, thumb brushing his jaw line. He gripped the emerald hand tightly, pressing his face into the warmth, eyes scalding and strangely out of breath.

_Raphael … brother. I miss you so much._A formal mode of thinking that hardly contained the intensity of his feelings.

Warm breath feathered his face, the slight musky scent he'd know blindfolded. Memories tugged at him on the wave of that scent ... _Curled against another small, warm shell in the dark as stormwater raged through the underground, the city heavy with a bellyfull of rain and scum as the clouds attempted to scour the world clean. Tempest above and roiling chaos beneath and yet there, in the dark and quiet, beneath the blankets … the soft murmur of Raphael's voice caught in dreams, his brother's steady breath, the solid beat beat beat of his heart and the curl of another arm flung across his shoulders. The storm raged. Leo lay and listened and clung to his brother, the rock, in the tide of his fear._

But though the memory faded, the storm did not.

Around him the atmosphere had changed, an ominous aura tingled against his perception as his brothers energy twisted and swirled. He opened his mouth to demand what was going on and was cut off by the fierceness of warm lips capturing his own. He moaned as strong arms dragged him close, heat roared between them as his brother's fire engulfed him. Lighting crackled overhead as the kiss deepened. Leo grabbed the back of his brother's neck with a muffled gasp, pressing himself tightly against this surreal pleasure, satin skin and burning touches, demanding more of the drugging kiss that only seemed to feed his hunger. Thunder roared overhead as their tongues slid together, feeding greedily on each other, taking and giving as much as could be demanded as the otherworld shuddered about them, shaking them both with its intensity.

But then the rain … flooding down in a great wall of water, filling up the other world until the sheer force of it was ripping them apart, tearing him away from that warm embrace.

Leo looked up in fear at the surface way above him, heaving and surging with the lighting flashing through the waves and when he looked back … Raphael was gone, the fire snuffed out and his scream into the darkness was no more than a muffled denial, a shiver of bubbles weaving their way towards the distant light.

Still the lighting crashed and he floundered in the surging strobe depths.

_Leo ... I'm sorry ... _

**BOOOOM!**

The slam of thunder jerked him awake with sharp gasp. Leonardo sat up, breathing heavily and ran a hand over his aching eyes, surprised to find moisture there. Had he been crying in his sleep? Beside him on the table his shellcell was buzzing angrily, half drowned out by the force of the storm above. What kind of dreams had been enough to upset him so badly? Something to do with Raphael ... something bad, but it was already sifting through his memory like sand. He shook his head to clear the lingering tightness in his temples and glared at the cellphone. It was Raph of course. He was tempted to ignore the call, still angry, still frustrated by their earlier fight, but then reality seeped in.

A glance at his small alarm clock told him it was nearly 3 in the morning. Raph should be back by now - no matter how angry he was or how frustrated, he was always home by 2am. It was a non-negotiable curfew Splinter had set since they'd all turned 18 and most of the time his brother respected it. On a night like this, even Raph would usually prefer to be snoring in bed than out on the streets. Leo picked up the phone with a sense of foreboding, hoping this was just another night the hothead had chosen to break the rules and stay out late. He was down the hallway, headed for his brother's room, even as he flipped it open.

But the voice on the other end of the line wasn't his brothers.

It wasn't anyone he knew.

'What is it, Raph? You'd better not be in any trouble because I've had it with you right now.' He snapped coldly. There was a pause on the other end of the line, filled with the static of slapping rain and then a soft chuckle.

'Raph? So that's his name, huh?''

Leo froze, a chill running up his spine. 'Who is this?' He demanded softly, dangerously.

'You know, I'll be happy to tell ya, but there's one thing I wanna know first... I want you to tell me, just how long can a turtle hold its breath for?'

Leo felt his blood run cold, couldn't answer, could only turn the knob of his brother's door and stare at the empty hammock, gripping the frame of the door against a wash of dread. The dream was nagging at him _... water ... cold and smothering_.

'C'mon already.' The caller drawled. 'It's a simple question.'

'You expect me to answer?' He demanded icily, his voice a razor edge. He smacked his fist against Mike's door as he passed and headed for Don's lab, feet flying.

The caller gave a soft giggle of delight that sent a tingle of brittle hatred up his spine and continued lazily.

'This book says most turtles can last at least a few hours. Which got me wonderin' … how long could one of you turtle freaks hold out for? And wouldn't it be kind of fun to find out? Maybe lay a few bets on the outcome, make a few bucks on the side.'

'_Where is my brother?_' Leo gritted, forcing himself not to crush the communicator in his white-knuckled grip as he shoved the lab door open. Don sat up quickly in bed, groggy but alert to the icy rage in the elder's voice. He mouthed _Raph in trouble? _and Leo nodded tersely. Within moments he was skidding across to his computer, hands flying across the keys. Mike stumbled in, yawning violently, ready to let rip a string of questions as to WHY exactly it was necessary to get out of bed at 3 in the morning … and quickly realised something was wrong, the protest dying before it left his lips. He shuffled across to watch Don in sleepy confusion.

Leo was pacing back and forth like a caged panther, needing to move, needing to _hurt_this piece of scum that somehow had his brother's shellcell.

The caller snorted a laugh. 'Your "brother" crashed a party he weren't invited to and this time we decided to teach him a lesson. Was off his game tonight though - taking him down was easy as piss, though if it makes you feel any better, I'm not sure how I'd go against a baseball bat to the skull either. It was all like BAM! HOMERUN!' Leo closed his eyes against the imagery.

_This can't be happening. Raph, what the hell have you gotten yourself into now?_

'This is just a courtesy call, see? That steroid-injected freak is at the bottom of the harbour where he belongs. He and the snitch we dropped off with him. Sank like stones, both of em. For a turtle he wasn't much of a swimmer, but I guess it's a bit hard when you're all tied up like a christmas present.'

A surge of fear lodged itself in Leo's throat. How long could Raphael hold his breath? They'd timed it over a year ago but the number eluded his frantic grasp. The call from hell only got worse. 'I don't figure he got much of a breath since he was out cold when the boys tossed him over, but still, he might have a few minutes left in him. Unless he's already dead. The bubbles aren't coming up anymore, so it's anyone's guess and with this storm, we ain't hanging around to find out. Name's Ajax, an this here is a little warnin' from us Dock Gangs to you. _Stay out of our business freaks!_' And the phone went dead.

Leo found himself sucking in a deep breath as he tried to stave off the red haze of fury that rode with the thunderous throb of his pulse. Titanic effort parted the curtain of emotion and left him cold, calculating and calm, alert but distanced from the small voice within that trembled for his twin, his other half, the brother that both challenged, defied and completed him. Groping after a thread of awareness for the bond that somehow transcended all else he'd managed to achieve or learn. The instant of reflection snapped closed on itself even as Leo snapped the phone shut and looked across at Don, standing pale and mute in front of the workstation. 'Donnie. Where is he?'

Donatello pointed at the small blip that was Raphael's tracker, a tiny speck against a huge strip of black that edged a small gridwork patch of the island city. They all had trackers, both in their phones and smaller microchips that Don had insisted upon gluing to the underridge of each of their shells for just such an occasion.

'East side docks. The shellcell signal died just after you hungup, but Raph's personal signal is out in the water.' Don felt confused dread strike him. The chips weren't water proof, only water resistant. Why the hell hadn't he waterproofed them? They lived in a sewer! How long would the signal even last?

If anything it was the sudden stricken look of guilty fear on Don's face that brought home to Mike the severity of the situation.

He grabbed Leo's arm, eyes wide with confusion and fear. 'Wait! What happened, Leo? Where's Raph?'

Leonardo met his brother's eyes grimly, swallowing down the sick fear churning in his guts. 'I'll tell you on the way! _Ikuzo! Hayaku!_'

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><p>Ikuzo - Let's go!<br>Hayaku - Hurry!


	2. Chapter 2

It took them 20 minutes to get to the docks, the van hurtled around corners and mounted the curb more than once, but if Leo or Mike had an issue with Don's driving it was only that he couldn't go any faster without getting them all killed. The world was just starting to lighten as they burst from the back of the van into the lashing wind and rain. The docks were huge structures of wood and concrete stretching for miles along this edge of Manhattan. Here at the fringes, the gangs had taken over abandoned allotments and shipping containers creating a mini empire, but in the predawn storm nobody else was in sight. The water stretched before them, freezing and inky black, tipped with foam where the whipping wind from the storm had lashed it into choppy peaks. The worst of the weather had already passed, but the rain stung their skin and the wind seemed to cut to the bone. They all ignored it.

'Don? Which way?' Leo demanded tersely, scanning the night waters. Don didn't reply at first, busy pressing buttons on his small handheld locator, eyes burning with concentration.

Leo couldn't stand it, grabbed his brother's shoulder impatiently.

'Don, we have to go! NOW!'

'It's gone...' Don told him hoarsely, rain sliding down his face. He looked up, misery in his eyes. 'The signal, Leo … the chips weren't waterproof. I just … I didn't have any at the time. The signal's gone …' he trailed off, pale and shocked.

Leo felt the blood drain from his face and tore the small device from his brother's numb fingers. Rain splattered the screen, but he could see for himself the tiny neon blip was gone and the device showed only the vast expanse of water before them.

'No!' He leapt to the edge of the dock, scanning the vast expanse of water.

_It's impossible … we'll never find him! _

'NO!' They flinched as he turned and hurled the device against the concrete with a snarl of denial.

Leo panted, his chest heaving and met Michelangelo's wide, frightened eyes through the rain. Water poured down his little brother's face, his mask was sopping, his shoulders shaking from the cold. Up until now he'd been very quiet.

'We've got to try, Leo!' he turned his blue eyes out across the water.

Somewhere down there Raph was struggling to stay alive.

'It was around here somewhere, right Donnie?' He swung back to stare at them, blue eyes wide. _'Right?"_

Donatello nodded mutely, unable to articulate the true scale of their search.

'Then let's go already!' Mike shouted wildly.

His words jarred them into action. He was right, they had to try!

Leo took the lead, shouting over his shoulder. 'One hour!'

He felt their agreement even as they hit the water The shock of it was like a sledgehammer against his senses and he knew a moment of fear. It was dangerous to be in water this cold for long, especially for his family. For a long painful moment the responsibility of protecting his little brothers warred with the necessity of saving the one that was missing ... _the one that was such a large piece of himself_… but Don had already vanished in a swirl of bubbles to search the immediate area and as Mike disappeared southward Leo turned and surged northwards.

Minutes felt like hours as he powered through the water, trapped with his own chaotic thoughts in the inky silence. The current was moving in his favour, helping him make greater distance. It also meant that Mike was swimming against the tide and would tire quickly. Leo pushed that from his mind and forced his eyes wide so they could catch the light, swimming at a depth halfway to the ground so he could see a broad distance around him in every direction. He passed the wreckages of small boats, old cars, tyres, junk and the flickers of furtive life from tiny fish that lived against the dock structures.

His thoughts raced through possibilities and plans. If Raph was tied up, surely he'd be able to pick his way free? They would have to use complex knots to keep his brother bound against his will, but if he was unconscious that was altogether another story. A part of him brushed against the very real possibility that his brother might be dead by now and recoiled.

Raph had always been there, either in his face or at his back.

Their fights over the years had been growing in bitterness, but no matter how far they fell Leo knew that eventually there'd be no place to go but up. Raphael was stubborn, but he'd had to be to survive. How many times had that stubborn streak saved him? How many times had he lived through incredible odds simply because he refused to just lay down and die?

Leo counted on that reliable, wonderful flaw now, and he swam harder than he'd ever swum in his life.

* * *

><p>At the end of the designated hour Don finally emerged from the water, unable to completely accept the creeping feeling of defeat.<p>

Raph. Indestructible. Strong. Larger than life. The brother who always had his back. Who'd saved his life more times than he could count ...

Logically, he understood the odds.

Their little brother was probably dead.

Logic refused to meld with reality.

_This can't be happening ... it can't ..._

He stared out across the water from beneath the wharf, shaking with cold, chest still heaving from the effort of diving. The hour had ticked over at least ten minutes ago, but neither Leo or Mike had surfaced yet. It wasn't long enough to get worried, but Don worried anyway. He couldn't think about what they might find down there. How had things gone so horribly wrong so fast? Why hadn't he upgraded their tracking chips? It wasn't rocket science … with their subterranean lives he should have known better, should have thought less about his stupid side projects and focused on his family. Should have, could have, but didn't and now-

Mike suddenly surfaced nearby, stumbling up the thick, stinking mud along the bank to collapse at Don's feet, exhausted, utter failure in his eyes.

His voice was a thin whisper through his chattering teeth.

'W- Wh - What's the longest Raph ever held his breath?'

'During training …. forty two minutes.' He answered hoarsely, mechanically.

The only one who'd ever done better was Leo at 46 minutes.

They sat there together, silent, staring across the stormy water until Mike's head suddenly sagged into his hands with a strangled cry. Don wrapped his arms around his little brother and listened to the broken sobs.

_It just couldn't be … _

And then Leo's head broke the water 150 metres upshore and thirty metres out and they were lurching to their feet at his thin, desperate shout for help.

* * *

><p>Leo had caught a glimpse of an odd shape in the dawn murk. A closer inspection confirmed the aching hope in his chest in a surge of relief and panic. Square toes and a familiar foot in a distant flash of lightning, hanging awkwardly through the smashed windscreen of an old car.<p>

Leo surged through the shattered glass into the small space, felt glass gouge new trails down the back of his shell and scrabbled to feel where his eyes failed him in the dark. His fingers travelled up the thick thigh, skimmed plastron and encountered metal, layers and layers of links wrapping arms and shell and then above the icy mass his brothers head, limp, bent forward awkwardly by the sheer weight of the chains.

_No! Raph … please god ...let him be alive!_

Leo grabbed the top loop of chain and began to pull and through tremendous effort managed to heave his brother back through the shattered glass, sliding them awkwardly down into the soft mud.

Swimming them to the surface would be impossible, he had to get the chain off.

Leo searched blindly for the padlock in the swirling tendrils of muck and found it, slipping his picks from his belt, trying to hurry, trying not to fumble when his fingers were already so numb with cold. It took him three tries to unpick the locks, an eternity with his pulse thundering in his skull, and then he was scrabbling, yanking at the loops until finally the emerald green arms, mottled with fresh bruises floated free. He pulled a limp arm across his neck and swam harder than he'd ever swum in his life towards a surface that seemed miles too high.

Don reached him fast, grabbing Raphael's other arm and swimming hard until they were dragging the limp form up onto the mud with Mike's help, struggling not to slip in the muck with his dead weight pulling at them. _And god, he was so lifeless._ His arms and neck were mottled purple and black, his head had a huge lump where impact had split the skin. Worst of all was the _stillness_. So utterly, frighteningly still …

They hovered desperately, teeth chattering uncontrollably as Don searched anxiously for signs of life, jaw clenched on his own teeth. Pupils were unresponsive. He gave up on the jugular pulse and put his head against his brother's chest, listening hard, trying to ignore the muffled whimper Mike made as he stuffed his fist in his mouth to hold back a wail and Leo's harsh, ragged breathing, standing over them his fists clenched, eyes half mad.

And there …. there was nothing.

No heartbeat …

Not a whisper of sound.

For over a full minute he waited, holding his own breath, the side of his face pressed hard to the icy plates and then he slowly sat up.

'_No._' Leo hissed softly, shaking his head.

Don only looked up helplessly, eyes glazed with tears.

_'NO!'_Leo shouted. Mike gave a strangled sob and crumpled into the mud.

Leo didn't notice, he grabbed Raphael's arms and jerked him into a sitting position, kneeling to shake the broad shoulders fiercely.

'_Goddammit, Raph! You can't be dead! WAKE UP!_' he snarled.

He tore the sopping red mask away and pulled the limp head up in his hands, silently commanding, begging the golden eyes to open.

'Raphael!' His voice broke harshly, but there was no response, not even a flicker.

When finally the sound of Michelangelo's hysterical sobs penetrated the haze, Leo felt something inside him shatter. He sagged, pressing his forehead against his brothers and gasped in agony, the realisation more painful than anything he'd ever felt in his life … Raphael was gone. Leo gathered his twin into his chest and rocked with a moan of agony.

For a long time … there was nothing but the pain.

Don touched his arm gently after an immeasurable amount of time where there was only that unbearable darkness and the hot slide of tears down his face. Stupid, useless tears that didn't even begin to describe the enormity of the pain … he finally looked up.

Dawn had come. Dismal and cloudy, the force of the storm long blown out, leaving the rain to drizzle down as if the whole world wept.

The thought came to him mechanically, a command enforced over and over since childhood. Within the next hour, humanity would be awake and bustling and no matter the situation they couldn't afford to be seen.

'We have to go.' His own voice, hollow, as if from a great distance.

Leo stopped thinking, stopped feeling. There was only the mission. Get his brothers home. Get his family home. He reached forward and levered his brother's weight across his shoulder.

Mike moaned in horror as the position brought forth a rush of harbour water from Raphael's lungs but Leo ignored it even as a part of him trembled at this next sign of lifelessness. They traveled as if drugged, awash in a fog of pain, none of them remembering the trip except for the vague details, the grim effort at pulling his dead weight up to dock level. The sway of limp arms hanging against shell. The absolutely boneless way he lay in Leo's grip as they loaded him into the van, head on an awkward angle until Don gently corrected it. White knuckles clamped on the steering wheel. Muffled sobs ringing distantly in their ears.

Disconnected in their nightmare.

And even with the evidence in front of them … it was still impossible to accept.

* * *

><p>They'd placed him in the infirmary, because they simply didn't know what else to do. He lay on the cot in an illusion of sleep, but for the insidious stillness that caught at the breath. Raphael was never still. Even in sleep he had always tended to restlessness.<p>

Mike had disappeared into his room and Don was trying to comfort him, trying and failing because there was no comfort for this. No waking from this.

Leo was still there, standing over Raph's cot, gaze locked on his brother's face, totally oblivious to the tears dripping down his jaw.

He knelt carefully and slid trembling fingers across the pale emerald cheek. This was it …. one of the last times he'd ever touch his brother … ever see his face. The pain of it made him gasp raggedly.

Lost. He felt completely lost. Leo dragged his brother into his arms, holding him as he'd never been able to in life. His skin was like ice, the temperature of the water he'd been pulled from. It struck Leo as utterly wrong. For reasons unfathomable to Donatello, Raph had always run hotter than the rest of them, a degree warmer and usually the best choice to sneak into bed with if you woke up cold in the middle of the night. Leo couldn't count the number of times he'd climbed into his brother's bed in the dead of winter, only to find Don and Mikey had beat him to it. The warmth in that tangled pile of arms and legs was always the kind that made you completely, bonelessly relaxed and tired, able to sleep even if your brothers elbow was in your face.

Sometimes … sometimes it had been just him and Raph under the blankets, and sleeping hadn't been the only thing on their minds. There was more than one way to get warm, they'd discovered.

_They were eight. Older than their years and it was another night, another storm. Raph had suddenly opened his eyes, yawning sleepily._

'Scared, huh?'

Leo scowled. 'No. Cold though. Give me more blanket already.'

Raphael relinquished some of his blanket without further comment and flung his arm wide. Leo crawled into the embrace without hesitation. Across the room Mike and Don had already been snoring softly together in a warm ball for hours. It had always been like this, for as long as they could remember they had been sharing beds whenever the mood struck them, but for some reason with Raph it was always different. It had been a while since they'd spent any time together like that, but with the storm raging, Leo was glad for his brother's presence. That strength, warmth and even his attitude were all welcome on a night like this.

He was already relaxing, already feeling sleepy when the soft nuzzle came. He'd been half waiting for it and breathed deeply, feigning sleep, but couldn't hide the soft shiver that took him as his brother nuzzled his neck again, demanding without words. He felt himself hesitate … the conversation with Splinter rushing back to him, but Raph was insistent and warm and he finally gave into his own desires, turning his head, breath catching as the kiss flared between them. Instantly he was hard and hungry, his young body flushed with throbbing need. Raph was a good kisser, his brothers tongue slid across his gently, until Leo was muffling a moan of need.

A hand slid down his plastron and his body ached with anticipation for the touch he knew would follow, but his head betrayed him and his own hand snapped down to stop the sensual slide even as he turned away from the drugging kisses. Raphael's grip tightened briefly before letting go as the elder turned away, sliding quietly out of bed and back into his own, but as he glanced over, Raphael had his hands behind his head and was staring at the ceiling. His brother said nothing, but then, he'd been present at the conversation that had changed so much. Frustrated on so many levels, sleep was a long time coming.

Leo gently kissed the edge of his brother's mouth and pressed his forehead against the chilled temple, vaguely aware that he was rocking with the sheer weight of his pain.

He couldn't blame Splinter. Sensei had been afraid for them, afraid that such a relationship would distract them from training and lead to eventual disaster. Looking back, he could see how all-consuming it had become. He had trouble thinking past Raph's amber gaze, trouble focusing where there had to be focus. And he spent less time with Don and Mike than he should. It wasn't right for the leader of the family to have a favourite, to show preference for one brother over any other, and it wasn't that he loved them any less … he just loved Raph differently, more intensely. When they were together, sometimes the rules slipped from his mind and there was only excitement, the discovery round the next corner, playfights and races. Laughter so loud the tunnels echoed in multiplied joy and soft caresses in the dark when they were alone.

Splinters words … _'You must understand me, my sons. This is not wrong. Love is never wrong. But it can be dangerous in the wrong circumstances and I must ask you to stop what you have been doing for the sake of our small family.' _At the time he had felt so ashamed. They had let their father down, had put that strange, sad look on his face. It was something Leo resolved never to do again. At the time, he'd thought there could be nothing worse than the awful feeling of disappointing his father. He didn't remember how things had started between them as more than just brotherly, but he was the one who had finished it. There was no choice, but Raph had struggled with it for a long time. In fact, their first real fight, the one that had led to fists had been about ... he blinked.

The sudden realisation was like a blinding flash, a gong ringing in his chest. _That_was the moment. It was only after that fight that things had begun to change so drastically. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. How blind. Raph had tried so many times to defy Splinter's orders and stay close to him.

_'You're not my leader you're my brother!'_

The angry shout had always stuck in his memory. How many times had he rejected Raph in the name of Sensei's simple command?

How many times had he used his leadership role to put distance between them and avoid the look of stark longing in those amber eyes. Longing for the closeness they had once had, because Leo had withdrawn completely. He hadn't just put a stop to their sexual relationship, he'd drawn a line between them and kept his brother on the other side.

He laughed bitterly. Sensei had been dead for two years now and the loss still pained him. But with his masters passing he had also gained a measure of freedom he'd never had before. To make his own choices ... to walk his own path. To define his own relationships and move forward. Many things had changed and yet so much had stayed the same.

The sheer scope of his own arrogance horrified him. Always frustrated, wondering why Raph chose to be so stubborn … why he resisted the pull between them. _So blind ... _To suddenly change his mind about the boundaries and expect Raph to just understand why he hadn't been good enough all these long years and now suddenly was?

No wonder his brother was confused, no wonder he'd been so angry. No wonder he was too afraid to take that step. Leo had already shown him how easily he could be abandoned. How effortlessly he had been tossed aside once before. Shame pierced him, deep and agonizing. The argument from earlier made sudden, sickening sense.

_' ... we both learned a long time ago that we don't always get what we want.'_

He smothered a strangled moan against his brother's neck. _Oh God. All these years. No wonder you gave up. I'd hate me too._

The whispered apology was pathetic. Useless and far too late, and yet he couldn't stop himself from saying it anyway. Hating himself at the same time for seeing so little so late. 'Raph … I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I didn't trust myself … I wanted more and now ...'

_... now he was lost._

* * *

><p>'Leo?'<p>

Leonardo hadn't heard his brother come in. Don was a blurred green mass in the doorway. He wanted to be strong, wanted to be what his little brothers needed him to be, but he couldn't move, couldn't even contemplate the thought of letting go yet. Mercifully, Don seemed to understand.

'Leo you're bleeding. Where are you hurt?' Don asked uncertainly. His eyes were red and swollen and full of painful compassion. He didn't comment on the way Leo held Raphael's still form crushed to his chest as if he'd never let him go. Nor on the shameless tears in the eldests eyes or the look of utter devastation on his face.

Leo frowned in confusion and looked down, saw the blood his brother was referring to and tried to move past the numb fog enveloping his mind.

'No.' he said hoarsely. 'No. It's not me. It's … from the glass where I found him.' He swallowed hard.

Don stared at him for a long moment, a strange look passing across his face. Then he was moving, grabbed his arm, the one curved protectively around Raphael's shoulder and shifting his grip gently, revealing the nasty gash, short but deep in the muscle. Blood oozed slowly from the wound, vivid against mottled flesh.

'Leo …' he whispered, choked. _'Leo … the dead don't bleed.' _

Leonardo blinked eyes gritty with pain and confusion, absorbing the sight of the blood dripping slowly down his forearm. Warm and fresh. Hope hit him like a suckerpunch and he sat up tightly, not trusting himself to speak. Don swallowed, heart in his mouth and knelt beside them, tilting Raphael's head to the side so he could press his unsteady fingers against the jugular pulse, holding his breath, closing his eyes.

'Don … please.' Leo's pleading whisper was desperate. _False hope .. he couldn't bear it if … _but Don suddenly jerked, his eyes going wide.

It leapt against his fingers, a fleeting throb that made his heart lurch in joy. 'He's alive!'

Leo blinked, clutched his brother closer.

Don all but shook him. 'He's _alive_, Leo!'

Leonardo took in the sudden sparkle of fevered joy in Don's eyes and dared to believe … Don wouldn't make a mistake like this.

'But how … he's so cold, Don. He's not even breathing.'

Donatello opened Raphael's eyes to examine the pupils, almost babbling. 'That's because he's torpid! I don't know why I didn't think of it before - the water was freezing! It's no different from the month we sleep away in the middle of winter, he's just deeper than we've ever been before. If I had waited longer by the docks I would have heard his heart beat eventually, its just operating at absolute minimum rate! He barely needs to breathe like this! Now he's warming up again and the blood is beginning to flow faster.' he scrambled up, sprinting from the room only to return with the blanket from Raph's bed and Mike, wide eyed, tearstained and uncertain.

'He needs to warm up slowly, Leo. If he comes out of it too quickly his blood pressure will crash and … we want to avoid that.' he finished carefully.

Don didnt articulate that warming up suddenly could kill their brother with the shock, that he might be brain damaged from lack of oxygen before he managed to slide into torpor. He let them have this hope and set about stitching the ragged flesh wounds made by glass and violence while his brother was still mercifully, deeply unconscious. Beside him, Mike held Raphael's hand in a death grip, his face white and drawn while Leo sat at the top of the bed, his forehead pressed to his brothers, feeling the temperature change gradually taking over, the icy chill slowly fading from his flesh. He kept his hands on either side of their brothers face, his fingertips sitting lightly against the pulse that fluttered … ever so slowly increasing in frequency and strength.

'Come back, Raph. Come back to us.' he murmured softly.

And they waited.


	3. Chapter 3

Concerned that Raphael's temperature was rising too quickly, they helped Don carry him to the bathroom. Leo remembered a time when the tub had seemed huge. A tangle of four splashing and sliding around in warm water, delighting in the silky feel of it, the sensual overload of being submerged and warm. Looking at his brother now it was hard to believe they'd once managed it. Raphael filled it, his head lying awkwardly against the rim, a folded towel stuffed there to protect the cringeworthy lump on his skull. The water lapped just below his shoulders, the tops of his knees exposed to the air like two green islands. Ribbons of scarlet seeped slowly through the water before dissipating as Don reached over at regular intervals to add another spurt of hot water. It still felt uncomfortably cool to Leo's hands, but even these low temperatures had brought noticable change.

From his stool behind Raphael's head, Leo spread his hands in the tepid water, laying them palm down on the upper plates of his brothers chest. Beneath his fingers thrummed the solid, comforting rhythms of life, the rise and fall of every breath gradually gaining strength. Slightly staggered, hitching on the air with an unhealthy rasp, Leo found it more worrying than reassuring.

Raph had fought hard to get free. Leo would have known that without seeing the bruises, but as faded jade tones began to deepen into familiar emerald, the mottled purples and ridges of black stood out sharply wherever the chains had touched him. He must have woken up underwater and when he realised he couldn't get free, climbed into the car looking for air pockets. Fast thinking. Probably the only reason he was still breathing at all.

Don frowned as he studied the changes, muttering to himself occasionally as he rotated his focus between temperature checks and the books stacked at his feet, some of them open - Leo could see Don's neat print in lines of annotation down the pages, crammed into the spaces between the blocks of text and diagrams. An odd mix of human medical science and turtle anatomy. Accumulated knowledge about their unique biology, the hybrid mix of reptilian and mammalian genetics that made it so difficult to predict how their bodies would react to different situations.

Every now and then Mikey would appear, peering around the edge of the door with red rimmed eyes, only to disappear again, unable to stand the helpless strain on his brothers faces that did nothing to dispel his fears. It was a waiting game … the only game the youngest had never mastered. Leo wanted to get up and offer his little brother some comfort … but he couldn't bring himself to move. When he could be sure that Raph wouldn't expire the moment he stood and walked away, only then would he move from his brother's side.

Still they waited.

The water had been comfortably warm for an hour and Leo's tail had begun to ache from sitting for so long when they were jerked back to attention. Raphael's body surged in the tub, going rigid and then he spasmed. Don leapt forward and grabbed the far edge of the scarred shell, rolling him to the edge until he was half dangling out of the tub. Cupfulls of salty bay water hit the tiles as he retched.

'It's about time.' he gave Leo a faint smile of relief. 'It's a good sign. Let him get it out.'

He added a few solid thumps to the shell to encourage any more fluid and was rewarded with another reflexive heave as Raphael's body rejected the harbour water. Once the heaves subsided his body slumped again, sagging back into Leo's arms and the slopping water.

Leo washed his face down with a clean cloth.

'What's going on, Donnie? Why isn't he waking up?'

Don picked up the digital thermometer and slid the end into Raph's mouth, his expression grim.

'You mean aside from the concussion? Take your pick. On top of that he's got hypothermia, blood loss, possible internal damage and shock brought on from all of the above.' He shook his head in frustration and shot the eldest a look of helplessness. 'All we can do is moderate his temperature spikes, keep him hydrated and hope that he was well into torpor before he ran out of air. I don't even want to think about the alternative.'

Leo's voice was calm but soft. 'You mean that he could have brain-damage from lack of oxygen.'

Don flinched but didn't deny it.

Leo stroked Raph's cheek softly. 'Let's not get ahead of ourselves Don. One thing at a time. We need him to wake up first.' he frowned, pressed his hand against his brother's cheek. Raph felt too warm. He watched as the thermometer beeped and Don took it, brow shooting up at the figure.

'This isn't good. Help me get him into bed.'

'What's wrong?'

Don pulled the plug on the water and threw the eldest some towels. 'His lungs had water in them, Leo. And not just any water.'

Leo flinched. 'Upper bay water.'

'Exactly. Raph's always had the strongest immunity out of all of us when it comes to fighting off infections, but whatever residue and bacteria it left in his lungs is starting to breed quickly now that he's warming up. He's going to have a raging fever.'

Working together they dried him off as best they could and carried him between them back to Leo's room.

They pulled the blankets up to Raph's waist and Leo stuffed pillows beneath his head, while Don began bandaging over the fresh stitches.

When they were done, Don tapped Raph's face lightly.

'Raph? Raphie, can you hear me? If you can, I need you to open your eyes now. Raph?'

They both waited in vain for a flicker of reaction. Leo shared a worried glance with his brother and then sighed, sitting beside the still figure.

'I'll stay with him. You need to rest and have something to eat. Check on Mikey for me? He's not dealing with this well.'

Don hesitated and Leo looked up and noticed the tears shimmering in his eyes. He stood abruptly and enfolded Don tightly. The purple clad turtle buried his face in Leo's neck and clutched him back.

'He'll be ok, Don. He's too stubborn to die on us. Not like this.'

Don swallowed but didn't respond. Finally he pulled away, scrubbing tears from his eyes and left the room without a word.

Leo sat back down on the bed, and leaned forward to whisper softly.

'You need to wake up, Raph. You and I aren't done. There's still so much that needs to be said and this family needs you.'

He swallowed the tightness in his throat.

'_I_ need you.'

Silence was his response. 

* * *

><p>Raph had been training in the dojo the day Leonardo finally admitted to himself that he was in love with his brother. He'd heard the end of the nightmare that chased his brother out of bed at 2am. His own insomnia was cause enough to abandon sleep and pad silently downstairs to check on him. Music came on, some rock band turned down low that covered his steps as he moved to the doorway. A couple of candles flickered in the corner.<p>

Standing in the shadows he watched Raph rolling his neck, tying his mask on before moving smoothly into a relaxed, empty handed kata. Watching his brother … he drank in each movement, the play of shadows and light over muscle and spirit. His body flushed hot, an ache began to grow and he gripped the doorframe hard … and finally admitted it. He desired … that which he shouldn't desire. Forcing himself to turn and go back to his room was hard, but it was nothing compared with how difficult the realisation made his life from that point onwards.

He'd tried … he'd tried so hard to wall his mind against the attraction, but it was impossible. The sexual frustration was eroding his self control and he lived in rigid restraint, trying to train the longings away. But they don't fade, they only get stronger. His mind is his most powerful tool as a ninja, the mind has power over the body ... but both body and mind are united against him and he knows no mental tricks to stop this dangerous slide.

It made it so much harder that he couldn't distance himself.

When he was honest ... he didn't even want to.

Training … hands on flesh, the heady, musky scent of sweat. Muscles bunched and gleaming as a powerful arm sweeps around for a strike that could take a man's head off. A spinkick, graceful and lightning fast, dodge, flip, block and spin. Each movement a melded economy between power and grace, speed and precision. These things that had once been so normal have changed.

Now he can't help but notice and admire the powerful slabs of muscle, carved thighs and shoulders, satin over steel. The confusing curve of a backside so perfect it makes his teeth ache, and worse, the short sleek tail that makes his gut clench and brings a flush of warm breathlessness he struggles to contain.

The flash of golden eyes and a self-satisfied grin that he can't help but find both annoying and compelling, frustrating and ... all of a sudden ... damned sexy.

And yet time has driven them so far apart. Leo can't help but find the slightly sad, brooding side to his brother as fascinating as the cocky, battle-charged side. He wants to understand what drives his twin to those solitary moments. He wants to unbind the haunted look in his eyes and leave the regrets between them floating in the distant dust of the past.

How?

How do you unravel the knots when you're tangled in them, when you're part of them and they're part of you?

Leonardo wants to try. To chase the glimpse of something deeper behind those golden eyes, a flash of connection before they break away and he's staring at scarred shell. Like trying to capture the spark that leaps from the fire ... before it fades to nothing. It scares him … and at the same time it makes hope ache in his chest. Does his twin feel the same things? This fiery insanity? He can't be sure because Raph's too good at hiding these days. His walls would make Troy seem like a joke.

Meditation is his refuge, within, where the wisdom of his father flows from a place of peace and light.

_As with all things start at the beginning, my son. To break through the wall is not the ninjas way. But walls can be overcome. Walls can be weakened. We may scale them, dig under them or sneak past them. We must understand and respect that which the walls protect in order to find our path. Then we will know how to proceed._

He's been holding back for so long, scared of so many things.

Leonardo finally understands.

Now all he needs is the chance to show his brother there's nothing to fear ...

* * *

><p>In the darkness the sound of the scuffle was loud. It drew his attention like a moth to flame, the memory seeping to life around him in the underground gloom.<p>

_Where the hell ...?_

Two brothers wrestled on the floor, small fists flying as each tried to connect at least one good hit and gain the upper hand. It was ridiculous to watch. All flying knees and elbows, no real style yet. Just a scrap between two brats with more pride at stake than injury. The boys came to a rolling stop, one finally victorious as he pinned his brother to the ground. He wasn't big yet, but frustration and adrenalin gave him the advantage.

_'Raph, stop it!'_

_'I won't stop till you quit acting all high an mighty!'_ the one on top shouted back.

Raphael flinched. Couldn't be more than 8 years old and already he'd been so … screwed up.

On the bottom, Leo panted, still trying to break his brother's grip. _'You're being unfair! Sensei decided, not me!'_

The younger version of himself didn't care. There was only raw, acid resentment running through his veins with the added sting of rejection. Even now Raphael could taste its bitterness in the back of his throat.

It tasted like failure.

Leo had feared it his entire life and while the eldest had spent every conscious moment working to avoid it, Raph had been busy feeling it ... for almost as long as he could remember.

He felt a surge of black pity for his scrawny child-self, so vulnerable, when all he'd ever wanted was to be strong like his brother.

The twin that excelled at almost everything and now Splinter had named leader. Don was building up a storm, impressing everyone with his crazy ideas. Mikey was developing the kind of sunny personality that made everyone like him unconditionally … when he wasn't being a pain in the ass.

What was his role?

Just … second place.

And that would even be ok, he was fine with that, protecting his brother's back and holding the line ... but it wasn't enough on its own.

All of them were changing for the better, except him. The hurts that had been done one day and forgotten the next were starting to linger and stack. He was being left behind and what made him angriest was that Leo couldn't, or wouldn't see it. Too busy learning how to order everyone around and be the perfect ninja.

What was a sewer brat supposed to do with all that hurt when his entire world consisted of 4 people and none of them understood?

An angry growl drew his focus back to the ragged scene.

Raph jerked his brother up so he could slam him down against the ground. _'Don't act like you didn't want it!'_ he snarled. _'Why do you get to be leader? I'm stronger aren't I?'_

Leo gaped at him, his struggles ceasing as he stared up at the shimmering golden eyes.

_'Raph, you know its got nothing to do with that! Being Leader isn't just about being strong! What's wrong with you lately! If you keep acting like this nobody will play with you anymore!'_

Raphael felt his own hands curl into fists as he watched tears roll down his own small cheeks. Leo blinked in confusion as they hit his neck.

_'You're not my leader you're my brother!'_ The sudden scream took them all by surprise. The bond was slipping away and he couldn't hold onto it alone.

He recoiled from his sibling, chest heaving with rage and disappeared into the sewers, running as if his life depended on it.

He'd been running ever since.

The clueless kid he'd been hadn't understood why things needed to change. He'd just wanted things to be normal. To be called 'Raphie' again. But ever since that conversation with Splinter that had made his ears burn ... everything had changed.

He was 'Raph' now. Donnie was still Donnie. Mikey was still Mikey, but suddenly he was Raph.

What did that mean?

He'd just known he hated it.

_'Raphie ...'_ Raphael stilled at the soft whisper.

Leo's shade was still standing there, hand over the fresh bruises on his shoulder. Staring into the darkness with a faintly lost expression on his face. His brother stood there for a long time before scrubbing his eyes roughly and stepping forward into the shadows.

Raph shook his head in regret. Leo would search for over three hours and then give up because Raph didn't want to be found and he knew the surrounding tunnels far better than his brothers. Later he'd crept home, listened blankly to the scolding and gladly gone to bed without saying a word. In the morning he'd risen with new determination. If Leo wanted to push him away, then he would push Leo away. He wouldn't need anyone. He'd be strong on his own and prove that he was good enough to be leader too.

And it _had_ made him strong ... but some of the strength was warped in ways he didn't know how to change anymore. He'd built the walls too high and left too much on other side.

It was all messed up, but at the same time so simple.

Maybe he would have done alright as leader, but he hadn't been chosen. It didn't mean that Splinter loved him any less, his father was just making the best decision he could at the time. And he could admit to himself now that it had been the right one. Leo thought clearly in times of pressure and he had always been the best ninja in the family. There was no denying it and Raph was tired of fighting it. What had resentment achieved anyway?

Not a damn thing.

The truth had taken a long time to accept, but maybe he was finally over it. The truth was ... he'd never even wanted to be leader.

All he'd ever wanted was Leo.

Accepting it eased something tight and tangled deep in his chest.

It was time to move on. 

* * *

><p>Waking was a painful process.<p>

Breathing hurt like a bitch so he kept it shallow, allowing the cool air to slip across his tongue, as dry as a piece of old leather in his mouth. An edged hammer was trying to split his skull open from the inside out, and there was a thick, aching pressure in his chest that turned into a vicious stabbing pain with every stolen breath.

It meant something ... those thin breaths, the mud in his lungs.

It came to him slowly as the barbed details of reality began to penetrate.

The damp cling of sweaty sheets across his legs.

Light, dim but far too bright for his sore eyes from somewhere to his right.

A shiver gripped him and the tremors loosed trails of sweat on his face and shoulders and the familiar flavour of his misery condensed into something with a name. Pneumonia.

And it was kicking him in the ass.

_Craptacular._

Exhausted and aching all over, all his body wanted to do was sleep. Sheer stubbornness eventually yielded results. He turned his head heavily, _what the fuck had he done to his head?_, and found himself staring blearily at his brother. Leo had fallen asleep in a seat beside him, chin propped on his hand, exhausted shadows and lines rimmed his eyes, worry etched into his forehead even in sleep.

Of its own volition his hand fumbled out, somehow finding and gripping Leo's own, the dark eyes flying open with a start and locking onto his own.

His brother reached out in concern. 'Raph! You're awake? Take it easy, you're safe now.'

'Leo.' he rasped.

His chest burned, it was hard to breathe, but he tried anyway.

' … didn't ... mean it ...' he ignored the anxious commands for him to hush, nothing was more important than this. '… 'm sorry. I'm … s'rry … Leo.'

Damn, he was so tired. His eyes drooped.

Leo's reassuring smile was thin with worry. 'Well you're talking without too much trouble. At least that's one less thing to worry about.'

'Leo …' he mumbled. ' ...'M sorry … '

'I know, Raph. Everything's going to be ok.'

His brother mopped his face with a blissfully cool cloth and then picked up a cup with a straw and put the end to Raph's lips.

'Don't go to sleep yet, I need you to drink as much as you can.'

Raphael complied as best he could, but the act of swallowing triggered the need to cough and once he'd begun he simply couldn't stop. His brother grabbed him, pulling him upright to help him breathe as the wracking coughs shook his frame. He heaved and retched into the basin that appeared, coughed up thick globs of pus and mucous tainted red with blood until he was dizzy and seeing spots, his chest and throat screaming in agony. His brain was beating itself to death inside his head, adding to the blinding misery.

Exhausted, tasting blood and worse, he sagged back to the pillows.

The cool hand that rested softly against his forehead sent a fresh wave of chills through his fevered body. The soft command could not be ignored.

'Try to sleep.'

Donatello watched Raphael slip back into fevered dreams and sat back with a sigh. The first coherent words out of his brother's mouth revealed the depth of his delirium and Leo wasn't even here to receive the apology and ease the tortured light in Raph's amber eyes.

The eldest had been gone for three hours now. It shouldn't be taking so long to aquire the antibiotics they needed, but Don already had his suspicions. He recalled the hard glint in the eldest's eyes as he strapped on his gear and sighed. There were some things that only the leader of the family could justify.

Some things were better off unsaid.

Like Leonardo's obsession with their stubborn, hotheaded brother. The two of them had been trapped somewhere between hate and love for so long now that Don had begun to despair they'd ever get it sorted out.

At least something positive might come out of this nightmare. If the look on Leo's face was anything to go by there would be no more missed chances in the future.

Raphael coughed wetly, his ragged breaths filling the heavy silence.

Don flinched compassionately at the sound and propped himself back up in his chair.

He was tired of waiting. 

* * *

><p>The voice in the shadows was dangerously quiet, chillingly calm, and every word sent tingles of fear down his bony spine.<p>

_'Did you think I wouldn't find you?_

Ajax, a long time member of the east-side Dock Rats spun wildly. Terror and his failed attempt to run had drenched his shirt in sourness, his greasy hair was matted and full of dirt from falling more than once.

'Y-you can't do this to me! I got rights! Leave me the fuck alone, freak!' Ajax shouted. His words bounced around the empty warehouse, hollow with fear.

'Rights?' It was coming from behind him now.

The skinny drug dealer did an anxious 360, gripped with the primal fear of prey. Circled, hunted by the predator in the darkness.

_'You tried to murder my brother ... did you consider his rights?'_ The softness had hardened.

`Y .. You said it yourself, he's still alive! You can't kill me when he's still alive! That'd be … dishonourable.` he half screamed at the shadows.

He jumped, tripping over his own feet as the voice answered from behind him. _How did it keep doing that? How the fuck did it keep moving around without making a sound?_

`And what do you know of honour? You feed off the misfortune and misery of others.`

Ajax swallowed in terror. 'Look, I ain't done nothing! They just made me call you! I swear!'

For a long moment all he could hear was the thunder of his own heart beat as he jolted back and forth trying to pierce the shifting shadows. Then the tip of a blade slid into his line of vision, the flat of a blade sliding lightly along his shoulder to sit a hairs breadth from his jugular. Ajax knew from the talk it wasn't a toy. It was razor sharp and could cut through a steel bar like a hot knife through butter. He froze with a strangled curse, lines of sweat running down his face.

'You may not have chained him with your own hands, but you're as responsible as the ones who did. You were there, you saw it happening and you didn't stop it.' A chilling voice said from just behind him.

'By now you've bragged to half the gangs this side of town about killing my brother. By now they're convinced that you even got away with it.' There was a long dangerous pause and Ajax found himself gazing at a reflection in the blade, a faintly blurred green figure with eyes like glittering black ice.

'Get on your knees.'

He complied because his legs gave out in terror. An uncontrolled whimper escaped his lips. Hot piss dribbled down the inside of his leg.

_'Please .. don't hurt me. I'll do anything!'_ he sobbed. The piss stank, soaking into his knees.

The sword did not waver. 'There is no room for mercy in our world. Either I make an example of you or we'll be fighting ten times harder the next time we cross paths. My family can't afford that. Now … ' A cellphone hit the ground in front of him, the one that had been knocked spinning from his hand earlier. 'Call your friends and tell them where you are.'

'P-Please, I'm begging ya! Don't kill me!'

If Ajax hadn't already pissed himself, the next soft words would have been enough to send him over the edge.

'I'm not going to kill you ... but by the time I'm done you're going to wish I had.'


	4. Chapter 4

Leonardo walked back in not long after Raphael had finally settled. Don jolted reluctantly from his doze and took the small bundle of medicine offered, studying his older brother with knowing eyes. Leo looked weary, but composed, and while there were no signs that he'd been in a fight … Don knew his brother too well.

'You found them.' he stated softly.

Leo nodded briefly, his eyes shadowed.

Don hesitated at that shuttered gaze, squeezing the package between his fingers tightly. 'Did you …?'

It hung unfinished between them until Leo met his eyes steadily.

'No. But anyone who sees him is going to understand what it means to harm one of us.'

Don nodded sadly. 'What did you do?'

Leo sat on the edge of his bed with a tired sigh, reaching forward to feel Raphael's forehead. The emerald turtle didn't stir, sunk deep in restless dreams.

'Leo?' Don prompted softly.

Leonardo closed his eyes briefly. He didn't want to answer. Didn't want to think about what he'd been doing these last hours.

'Please, Don. I just … I don't want to talk about it right now.'

Don studied the side of his elder brothers face for a long moment and then let the question slide. If Leo didn't want to tell him, there was a strong chance he didn't really want to know.

He busied himself preparing the antibiotics. Lifted from a doctors surgery somewhere nearby, or perhaps a vets.

'How is he?' Came the soft question.

Don pushed a syringe into the bottle of penicillin and withdrew a sizeable dose.

'I'm happy to report he woke up earlier and took some water.'

Leonardo's gaze shot to his, uncertainty and a trace of fear in his dark eyes. 'He woke? Don … you said there might be some damage … how did he sound?'

Don pushed air out of the syringe, finally able to offer a faint smile. 'He was confused and delirious, but he was talking. I can't be 100% sure until he wakes long enough to do some tests … but from what I've seen Raph's going to be okay, Leo. He just needs time and rest now.'

Leonardo's smile was tired but full of relief. His shoulders slumped.

'What did he have to say when he woke?' he asked.

Don injected the contents of the needle into Raphael's arm with proficient skill.

'You know, I think you're better off hearing it from him.' he said gently.

Leo studied Don's expression, then reached across to grasp his brother's arm.

'Don … about me and Raph.' he began awkwardly.

Don put his hand over his brothers and squeezed, his gaze steady.

'You and Raph have always been two sides of the same coin, Leo. I've been watching you two dance around each other for the last 18 years, so trust me when I say you don't have to explain anything. No matter what happens, we'll always be a family.' he sighed, his eyes dropping to Raphael's pale face. 'Just … do me a favour and convince Raph before something like this happens again.'

Leonardo read the sincerity in Don's eyes, the complete understanding and most importantly the lack of judgement and something within him eased.

'I'm going to need your help.' he offered. 'Mikey's too.'

Don snorted softly. 'He'll come around eventually ... even if we have to bash His-Royal-Stubbornness into submission.'

'I hope so.' Leo muttered wearily. 'Go get some rest, Don. I'll sit with him tonight.'

Don frowned, dumping the used needle into a bowl to disinfect. 'You've had no rest in 48 hours, Leo. I don't need two sick brothers at once.'

The eldest shook his head slightly. 'I know. I'm tired, but I just can't sleep right now. There's too much in my head. You can relieve me at midnight if you want.'

Don nodded and gave his brother's shoulder a final squeeze. 'Here.' He tossed a pot of something pungent. 'I mixed this up while I was waiting. It's one of Splinters herbal recipes for bruising. See if you can get to the worst of it. He's uncomfortable enough as it is.' The genius hesitated at the door. 'And Leo - if you need to talk later you know I'm here.'

Leo bowed his head in thanks and Don left quietly.

Unable to sleep, unable to tear himself away from the bedside, Leonardo found himself trapped with his own circling thoughts. For a countless time he rinsed the cloth and then lay it against burning flesh, sweeping sweat from flushed, taut muscles and leaving cool trails of water in its wake. In the grip of the fever Raphael burned, and though the torture was purely mental, Leo burned with him. He finally understood what it must have been like for them all, the day the foot had left him an inch from death, unconscious for days …

Those memories were too dark while the screams of one scrawny gang member still echoed in his ears. He didn't know if Splinter would approve of what he'd done, but their world was a harsh one. There was no room for mercy when the enemy outnumbered you by thousands. If scaring the life out of one skinny drug dealing lowlife was the cost of keeping those hostile thousands on the back-foot, it was a cheap price to pay. He felt a fresh prickle of cold, raw rage at what had been done to his brother and breathed deeply, letting the emotion pass.

Raphael mumbled anxiously, coughed and moved restlessly as he slept. Leo listened as he scooped thick fingerfuls of Don's unguent from the pot and began to smooth it over bruised muscles. There was a visceral relief in touching his brother. With his hands on Raph's skin he could drive away the image only hours old, of his brother's lifeless face.

Leo stopped when he came to the top of Raph's shoulder and encountered a long thin scar. It was only a week old and he was abruptly reminded of his role in bringing this whole nightmare to pass. He found himself playing with the raw knuckles of Raph's hand, running the event through his mind.

_If only I hadn't lost control ..._

* * *

><p>It was amazing how clear the water had become.<p>

Leo paused in his study of the drainage wall to just float for a moment. The channel was deep and the water easily covered his head. Cracks in the brickwork offered easy finger holds against the slow current that would have pulled him along.

Downstream the bricks faded into the watery gloom of the sewers. There was a corner or two and then the channel flowed into the open chamber of the lair. The opposite way was blocked with a complicated, but ingenious latticework of mesh and twisting metal threads.

Don's filtration grates were doing an amazing job. Water poured through the sieve-like filters, constructed to help keep animals, junk and sediment out of the water that washed straight into the lair. The genius had outdone himself, using methods and materials that boggled the mind to create these six special grates. They had been making changes in the surrounding sewers as well, rerouting drains that tended to bring an excess of filth and rubbish, limiting the incoming water to that which was cleanest.

It was already clean enough to swim in without fear and with a few more days of flushing the water flowing through the middle of the lair would be good enough for washing. The thought of being able to swim in summer was tantalising. They'd never had a safe, deep source of water before - not one that wasn't loaded with rubbish and the odd dead rat.

Raph had been helping him install the grates as fast as Don could pump them out. He felt proud of what they'd accomplished. Splinter had been gone for a year and instead of falling apart as he'd feared, their small family had only grown closer. The experience of losing their father had aged them all. Maturity had come at a high cost, but as his father had often taught them ... death is inevitable. Change is inevitable. Often painful, but necessary.

There was only one thing that hadn't changed for the better ... his relationship with his volatile brother.

Raphael was ... confusing, frustrating, aggravating and stubborn. Nothing was ever easy with him, but lately it had been getting worse. No matter how patient he was, or how hard he tried to get closer to his brother ... the distance seemed to yawn between them. Sometimes he could feel the amber gaze following him, the weight of it like a caress against his skin. The sexual tension was a living force, charging the air between them with an energy he could feel tingling on his skin, in the rush of his blood ... and yet every time he tried to acknowledge the attraction his brother's walls came up and he retreated.

One step forward, two steps back. He had absolutely no idea what was going on behind those golden eyes anymore.

Days like today when the emerald turtle was in a good mood were to be savored.

There was a sudden explosion of bubbles and Leo flinched as Raphael's shell skimmed past, the boom from his bombdive almost deafening. He grinned at his brother underwater and Raphael turned, his laugh muted but obvious. The wicked pleasure in that grin left a warm feeling in his belly, because Raph's smiles seemed few and far between these days.

Leo watched Raphael swim to the other wall and run his hands along the brickwork and cement. When he turned to nod, the bandanna tails were swept across his face and he pushed them aside in annoyance. They surfaced and began making preparations, working together to maneuver the huge heavy grate into the water. It would sit flush with the floor and about two feet higher than the water line once they had bolted it into place.

Maneuvering it was a difficult job. The water pushed against it, making it hard to place. They had a hard time holding it while they secured the edges.

Raphael swore as he bobbed to the surface after completing his end.

'What's wrong?' Leo asked him.

Raphael craned his head back awkwardly. 'Some kinda metal wire down there sticking out of the brickwork. Caught my shoulder.'

Leo moved towards him. 'Let me see.'

Raphael held onto the mesh of the filter as Leo turned him, exposing a long shallow cut just behind the ridge of his brother's shoulder.

Leo shook his head. 'It's not pretty but it isn't deep. You won't need stitches.'

Raph breathed a sigh of relief and went to move, prevented by Leo's hand on his shoulder.

'What?'

Leonardo didn't say anything, he felt strange. The needs he'd been trying to smother were tangling together, vying for dominance over his fast-cracking self control. The water surging around them felt good … a sensual caress against his skin … the heat coming through the water from his brothers body felt even better. The skin beneath his hand was wet, the muscles like liquid steel beneath the skin. He put pressure on Raph's shoulder and in the water it was enough to swing him around.

Facing him now, Raphael frowned, gripping the mesh lightly with one hand.

'You feelin' alright bro?' he asked, cocking his head slightly.

Leo found himself swaying closer, unable to tell wether it was the water or his own movement. Raphael considered him with unfathomable golden eyes. Water dripped down his jaw, trickling down the curves and ridges of his neck and shoulders, tracing emerald skin with slick droplets.

A tightness coiled in Leonardo's belly, warmth flushed him. He wanted … he wanted to lick those droplets off, he realised with sudden hunger. He wanted ...

'Leo … what are you doin?' Raphael demanded softly, a little wary.

Leo shook his head slightly, he didn't know, his heart was starting to hammer. His body was roaring at him, his blood thundering. Maybe if it had happened more slowly, Raph would have reacted and shoved him away. Maybe.

As it was, his brother's shocked curse was smothered by Leo's mouth as it captured his own, his shell hitting the grate with enough force to rattle the frame. His open mouth gave Leo access to more … hot, powerful tongue sliding into that inviting warmth and anything else Raphael might have said melted into a shocked moan against Leo's lips.

Leo pressed closer, hungrily, well and truly pinning his brother and groaned faintly at the first hot thrust of tongue against his own. The kiss ignited between them, a ragged, breathless melding of tongues and lips and hot gasped breath. Raph's free hand came up to pull him even closer, his fingers bruising and possessive on the back of Leo's neck. A demanding throbbing sound rumbled low in Leo's throat and the lust only rose, driven by an answering rumble vibrating through his brother's chest and the soft growls of need against his tongue ... sounds of pleasure he'd never heard before.

'Raph …' His brother shivered at the soft whisper against his lips. Leo could taste him, drinking in every sound and scent. Pulling back to absorb the total change of his brothers face … flushed and heavy-lidded with need, panting. Leo groaned at that expression, his cock rock hard and aching to be released and ran his tongue along satin flesh, already addicted to the sharp intake of breath his attention could elicit. Leo pressed the aching pressure against his brother's pelvis, throbbing as Raph pressed into him with a faint groan, his breath hitching and his jaw clenched. Leo found himself smiling against the emerald green neck, deliberately pushing their hips together again, rewarded by an almost helpless moan that made him throb with heat. He slipped his arm around his brother's neck, starving for more, dragging him in for more drugging kisses.

For a few heart-pounding moments, he held his twin in his arms and felt the heat roar between them, submerged in the sensations and the aching joy of finally breaching those walls … he wanted … he needed Raph so badly he couldn't even think anymore.

'L-Leo, wait.' It was a rough whisper, barely audible over the water, but it froze him in the act of trying to nudge his brother's knees apart.

_No ... he didn't want to stop, couldn't stop … he'd wanted this for so long._

Leo bit down on his brother's neck, pushing his aching pelvis against the answering bulge beneath Raph's plastron.

The red clad ninja groaned and drew a shuddering breath.

'Dammit Leo, we can't.' he whispered raggedly.

Golden eyes dilated and sagged shut again when Leo's hand slid between them. Leo scratched his nails lightly over the soft cartilage opening between Raph's thighs, already beginning to stretch with the growing pressure straining just beneath it, hot even through the water.

Then he was being shoved away roughly, hard enough that he lost his grip on the mesh and he was forced to swim for the edge or be swept downstream by the slow current.

Raphael glared at him briefly before levering himself smoothly out of the water.

'Raph, wait.' Leo called in frustration. 'I'm sorry - I just ... can we please talk about this?'

Raphael stood for a long moment, dripping, every line in his body screaming with tension, and then he shrugged roughly and walked away, without looking at him or replying.

Leo watched him go, breathing hard, confused by the unsatisfied ache of his lust and the despair of once again having his twin turn away. His scream of frustration was swallowed beneath the slow waters.

The first time he'd taken things too far … and yet rather than make him feel ashamed it had filled him with hope, because Raph had been responding and he'd tasted the hunger that matched his own. Why? Why couldn't they move past this strange dark place they'd found themselves? Lying in his bed at night was even worse because he could replay those low sounds of pleasure … muffled moans and the way his brothers face looked softened with need, eyes molten with a fire he wanted to taste, needed to touch.

Raph had been avoiding him ever since, refusing to talk it through and he'd done his best to apologise … and it had only led to the dark, bitter fight that triggered this entire mess.

_Leo, we can't._ For the first time Leonardo wondered at those particular words. Not, _I don't want to_ or _Get off me._ Just ... we can't.

He slipped into a restless dose, only to be shaken awake what felt like only seconds later. He blinked, shot a glance at the clock: 1am.

Michelangelo stood there a little awkwardly, his gaze flicking from Leo to the fevered, sweating figure in the bed.

'Mikey? Where's Don?'

'Dude, he was so exhausted he didn't even hear the alarm he set himself.' His little brother's head dipped, his eyes falling in shame.

'I .. I feel like a total dick. You guys haven't left Raph's side and all I've done is hide in my room.'

Leo stood, stretching the kinks in his neck and pulled Mikey to him. The youngest gripped him tightly unable to suppress a faintly pathetic sniffle.

'Leo … m sorry. I just … couldn't get it outta my head that Raph might .. y'know. I just … couldn't deal with it bro. I'm sorry I let you down.'

Leo clutched him tighter, guilt piercing him. 'It's okay, Mikey. We were all scared. It's not easy to see him like this.'

'Lucky Raph's indestructible right?' Mike offered a watery smile. 'Donnie said he's gonna be okay once he gets over this fever.'

Leo turned his gaze on Raphael's grey face and nodded, but indestructible was not the word he would have chosen.

'If Don says so then I believe it.' he said softly.

Mike pushed away and wiped his face with a quick snotty sniff, his eyes determined.

'Well, I got it now bro, go get some real sleep.'

Leonardo hesitated at the door, torn between the rest he badly needed and the vital urge to see Raphael open his eyes before he let himself sleep properly.

Mike clinched it by looking up at him. 'Leo, dude, seriously. You're almost as pale as Raph right now. You aren't gonna be much good to us if you get sick as well.' His eyes were serious. 'You know he's gonna be trying to move around as soon as he wakes.'

Leo bowed his head with a faint smile. 'The hothead that never learns.'

Mike smiled seriously. 'Yeah, but he's _our_ hothead.'

Leo found the energy to laugh softly and closed the door quietly behind him, making for Don's room.

Raph's hammock would only trouble him with its scents and swaying and Mikey's room was a mess. He peeled off his gear and settled next to the exhausted genius. The feel of the pillow beneath his head was a luxury unto itself.

Don barely stirred as he was tugged, limp and sleepy, into his brother's arms. Leo tucked the olive beak beneath his chin and finally allowed himself to breathe more deeply, soothed by the knowledge that at least one of his brothers lay safe and protected within his reach.

Sleep came quickly, wrapped in the lulling comfort of Don's scent, sinking into dreams and memory, golden eyes and the echoing cries of two boys, twins, still chasing and wrestling, laughing and running the tunnels of his past.

* * *

><p>The next day at noon, Raphael finally stirred with a faint groan of misery.<p>

Leonardo jarred from his light meditation on the floor and moved to sit in the seat by the bed. Dull amber eyes focused on him with difficulty and then a confused frown crawled across his brothers face.

'Leo?' he slurred.

'Hey, Raph. How are you feeling?' Leo's heart surged on a heady mix of relief and elation at meeting that golden gaze once again, clouded but coherent.

Raphael turned his head groggily, taking stock of his situation and the fact he was in Leo's room with a grimace of displeasure.

'Like I w's hit by a damn train. Chest feels bad …' he rasped unhappily.

'Don says it's Pneumonia.'

Raph closed his eyes again, clearing his throat of mucous with a pained wince. Despite the shadowed smudges under his eyes his colour was looking better and his temperature was finally down, the fever breaking a few hours earlier. Leo could be thankful for small mercies. For all the extra damage he seemed to take, Raph made up for it by healing at a rapid rate. Even the bruising on his arms was beginning to fade though it was clearly still painful.

'Must be. Feel like crap.' he growled a little stronger, but the words set off a thick round of coughing and Leo offered him some tissues. The emerald turtle proceeded to hack up a lung, or what sounded like one, before sagging back into the pillows with a gasp of pain.

'Thirsty?'

Raph nodded, turning toward the proffered cup awkwardly. He didn't even complain about the straw, just drank greedily until it was all gone.

He panted for a second and then coughed again. 'Damn, still thirsty.' he rasped.

'You've been out of it for the last two days. You're pretty dehydrated.' Leo offered him a refill and Raph drained that as well, finally slumping back into the pillows as if the effort had exhausted him.

'Two days?' Raph made a slow, awkward attempt to sit up and froze in the act with a low hiss of pain. His shoulder and upper bicep was bound firmly with a layer of thick bandages to protect the stitching underneath and support the damaged muscles and ligaments.

'Crap …' he touched his shoulder gingerly, frowning in confusion. 'Wha happened to m' arm?'

'You sliced it pretty deep. You're going to need a sling for a week or so.' Leo hesitated, Don had said that Raph might be a little 'out of it' when he finally woke. 'Raph, what's the last thing you remember?'

The emerald turtle raised his good arm with a wince, fingers brushing the gauze padding on the back of his head. 'You an me.' he muttered. 'Fightin'…'

Leo nodded, his expression carefully neutral.

'I lost my head an ran off.' Raph remembered, eyes moving as he thought back, trying to clear the fog in his pounding head.

'I … somethin' … the docks … I was at the docks and there were - ' he frowned and then his eyes snapped wide in shock. _'Shit! I… those - Sonovabitch!'_

Leo watched a multitude of emotions crawl across Raphael's face, watched his fists bunch in the sheets and placed a warning hand on his brother's good shoulder.

'Careful.' Leo moved to sit on the bed, preventing him from struggling into a sitting position. 'Raph, calm down or those stitches will tear.'

Raphael looked up at him wildly, remembered terror and rage shining from pupils turned pinpricks and then clenched his eyes shut tightly.

'How did ya find me?' He demanded raggedly, breathing hard.

'Don's tracking chip in your shell remember?' Raph frowned and then nodded tightly.

Leo kept his hand on the warm plastron beneath him, felt the rapid thudding against his fingers and lost some of his composure.

'We almost lost you Raph.' His voice was soft, dangerously low and tight in his throat. Golden eyes shot to his. 'I pulled you out of the water and you weren't breathing … Don couldn't get a heart beat. _We thought you were dead_!' the savage statement lost strength as his voice cracked unevenly.

'Thought I was too, bro … I … _damn-_' Raph choked and turned his head away, trying to hide behind the back of his hand, but he wasn't able to stop the tears that leaked down his face or the harsh sob that hissed through his clenched teeth.

Leo slid his hand along shuddering breastplate to cradle his brothers neck firmly, forcing those eyes back to his own, his gaze searing.

'What the _hell_ were you thinking?' he demanded harshly. No matter how angry you are at me you know better than to tangle with the dock gangs on your own. Were you _trying_ to get yourself killed?'

'_What? No! _It wasn't like that.' Raph insisted harshly, trying to pull away.

Leo ignored the resistance, his eyes blazing. 'Then explain to me how this happened! Why I had to pull your body from the harbour and Don and Mikey had to watch me fall to pieces because I thought you were dead!'

Raphael's face twisted with raw emotion and he trembled in Leo's grip. The eldest read the beginnings of panic there and released his brother abruptly, drawing back before the frustration and residual fear could escape his faltering control.

For an endless minute they wrestled with their emotions. Leo wanted nothing more than to drag his brother into his arms and show him exactly how scared he'd been, but their last words before all this happened had left an aching wound - as painful in the healing as in the making. He swallowed hard, struggling desperately to contain himself.

'M' sorry, Leo. I screwed up.' A ragged whisper, hesitant.

There was a long tense silence.

'Do you hate me, Raph?' The words cut the atmosphere into a bleak wastleland, sliding past his lips before he could stop them.

Raphael blinked in shock and Leo stared at his own trembling hands, clenching them into fists against his knees. And then his brother was gripping his arm tightly - lacking his usual strength but still hard enough to mark. Leo found himself grasping those fingers blindly and closed his eyes at the contact, using it to push down the thick sob that wanted to claw its way through his throat.

'Leo. Don't _ever_ think that.' Raph whispered roughly. 'You know … ' he faltered and Leonardo's grip tightened possessively as silence swelled around him, his entire being focused on his brothers next words. Raph drew an unsteady breath. ' … you _know_ how I feel about'cha, an it ain't hate. Not even close.'

Leo shuddered, something bittersweet seeping through his chest that only strengthened with the fierce eyes that met his own, pained and sad, but honest and full of something Leo hadn't seen in years … he reached out carefully, afraid that the slightest wrong move would chase that fragile spark away, and touched his brothers face gently.

'Raph … we have to talk about this. About you and me.' he said softly.

He expected a denial, anger, a dozen reactions other than what he was looking for. Instead his brother gave him a tired look, his gaze serious and steady.

'Yeah, we do.' Raph said quietly and then grimaced, pulling back to cough thickly. 'Not now though … feel like crap.' he mumbled.

Leonardo felt something coiled and hard in his chest ease. Relief swept through him like a sweet drug. Despair to rising hope with just a few words. Only Raph had ever been able to do this to him. Confused but hopeful, he smiled cautiously and cleared his throat of all its choking tension. 'I'll get you some painkillers.'

Raph's hand snaked out and grabbed his again.

'I'm fine. Leo … I don't - I don't wanna be alone.' Embarrassed, his brother dropped his eyes uncomfortably, but his grip only tightened.

Leo studied amber eyes, strained with pain and haunted by a lingering shadow and sank down into the chair next to the bed.

'Don't you know by now that I'll always be here?' he said softly.

Raphael smiled faintly, his eyes sagging shut, dark and shadowed with exhaustion. 'I count on it.' he mumbled. Utterly drained, he was asleep in moments.

Leo sat watch until Mikey came to relieve him a few hours later, all but driven from the room and ordered to eat. As he passed the living room he paused to turn off the televisions the youngest had left running.

A reporter shuffled her papers and regarded the camera with solemn eyes.

'The police are looking for any information regarding a suspected gang assault and mutilation that occurred in the early hours of the morning on the east-' Leo hit the remote and the screens flickered and died.

He walked to breakfast with unreadable eyes, his face a clear calm mask. 

* * *

><p><strong>Gracie Square Hospital, Manhattan<br>Ward 5  
>Dangerous Patients Wing<strong>

The two orderlies at Gracie sipped coffee as they did the morning rounds, the veteran showing his new coworker around. It was always fun breaking in the newbies and giving them the grand tour. They called it 'The Freak Show'. A psychologists wet dream from one cell to the next where the scale of freaky went from unbalanced to deranged, demented to psychopathic. Some people might have had an issue with the attitude of the younger staff towards their patients, but it was an inside joke that you either worked with a sense of humour or risked going … well y'know … nuts. Ivan Delahunty worked on that premise.

'You're going to just love this next guy.' he waved the clipboard teasingly. 'They brought him in a few days ago. A bunch of his gang friends dumped him at a hospital downtown, screaming and covered in blood, butt-nekkid.'

His partner slurped his coffee doubtfully. 'Ok, wierd, but it sounds more like attempted homicide than mental case.'

Ivan slapped the clipboard against his partners chest. 'I know right? Apparently he's some drug dealer from down in the bronx, but get this … guy had some crazy fucker attack him … carved a message in Japanese on the guys chest. Police think it was some kinda' retaliation. Poor bastard had a complete nervous breakdown and tried to kill himself in the hospital so they shipped him out here.'

They walked up to a plain door marked 135 and peered through the meshed glass into a plain room where a scrawny man rocked and cringed, muttering to himself incessantly. One side of his face was patched with thick gauze.

'Check out the pics.' Ivan flipped up the top pages of the file, revealing a set of police shots.

'This is … kind of fucked up.'

'You don't know the half of it. They think he had some kinda heated blade used on him. Sliced him up like he was carving a pumpkin. Instant scarification. Must've hurt like a fuckin' bitch.'

His partner flinched and turned the file, staring at the angry red lines carved with precision down the man's torso. 'So what's the message say?'

Ivan shrugged. 'Basically? 'Don't fuck with us.' Or at least that's what the Japanese psych assistant reckons. And get this … every incision is perfect. Depth into the dermis completely even on every slice like a goddamn surgeon. Whoever caught him was a professional that's for sure.'

'What about that one on his face?'

Ivan snorted and took back his clipboard. 'That's the fucking wierd part. It means 'turtle' in Japanese. Just like signing a letter - only thing is, the guy claims a 'giant walking turtle with a katana' did this to him.'

'Damn.'

'Tell me about it. I swear these guys get loopier every year.'

'What's he saying?'

'Something about the 'shadows' and 'monsters'. Just don't turn off the lights in his room or he'll scream the whole place down.'

Ivan pushed his curious partner onwards toward the next titillating stop on the conveyor belt of cracked, and so neither of them noticed the security camera within the cell do a slow rotation, coming to rest on the rocking inmate with a soft whine of lense adjustment. 

* * *

><p>Across the city, Donatello zoomed the tiny screen on Ajax's face, wincing at the sunken cheeks and paranoid darting eyes. He hadn't known what to expect ... <em>but this<em> ... the patient reports are like stones, each piece of information adding to the dense mass sitting in the pit of his stomach.

It isn't like Leo to do something this … cold. The calculated brutality is disturbing on multiple levels and it's suddenly clear to him how close they may have come to losing not one, but two brothers.

A shadow has been growing behind Leo's implacable gaze for some time now … since Splinter's death the eldest had been doing his best to cope and move them all forward but the cracks were finally starting to show.

Donatello sighed. Nothing would change unless someone brought some clarity to the mess his brothers had made of things and Splinter wasn't around to provide that wisdom anymore.

They were all flying blind.


	5. Chapter 5

For a week Raphael did little more than sleep, caught in dark, restless dreams that left him sweating and disturbed. He got used to being jolted awake by one of his brothers who quickly learned to recognise the anxious mumbles which lead to tense, panting terror. It shamed him but he was achingly grateful to be woken, though the respite never lasted long. Jerked painfully from the grip of one nightmare, only to ease back into the restless shadows of another. Through the passing days his body struggled to fight off the infection on top of the violent beating he had taken, slowing the healing of both, and there was little relief to be had either asleep or in the aching, throbbing pain of being awake.

Don had confined him to Leo's bed, adamant the hammock was too dangerous on shaky legs and threatened tie him to the bed if he did something foolish and tore his stitches. It wasn't worth arguing - not when it meant going up against Leo - standing there with crossed arms, all the unfinished things between them waiting just behind those veiled eyes. He'd just grunted wearily at Don and saved his breath - it was difficult to care about anything but the soft pillow beneath his head and the exhaustion dragging his eyelids down.

The olive turtle appeared regularly with Leo in tow to change his bandages, the eldest holding the top ridge of his shell to keep him steady as the genius cleaned the shoulder wound, checking the progress of knitting flesh and the strength and movement in his arm. Raph let Don do his thing, feeling sore and disoriented in his own skin and distracted more by Leo's closeness than anything else. He'd said they would talk and he'd meant it - but hell if he knew how to even begin or what to say. Just the thought of re-opening that can of worms made his guts clench tightly. Leo was holding himself carefully distant, walking a maddening line somewhere between big brother and something more, something that expressed itself with quiet intensity. Deep obsidian eyes watching over him, guarding his dreams, a soft word, a glass of water and a careful touch. They seeped through his awareness, comforting anchors in the midst of his misery.

The initial reunions when he'd woken had been almost as stressful as his confrontation with Leo. Mikey had been hesitant before almost strangling him in joy. Don had been more gentle but cracked the moment they were truly alone. Nothing made you feel more like a complete and utter asshole than seeing Donnie in tears. He was so clinical and precise you tended to forget how sensitive he was beneath his nerdy armour. Raph did his awkward best to make it right somehow. It would have been easier if Don hadn't been trying to apologise - something about old microchips and waterproofing.

'This _ain't_your fault, Donnie. Seriously, bro. I did somethin' stupid and got my ass kicked - it ain't no more complicated than that.' he'd rasped painfully, throat raw from coughing.

He squeezed his olive sibling close, pulling him down with him on the bed so he didn't have to see the stark self-recrimination in soft brown eyes that meant Don was still overthinking shit. Raph gave up on words - they were cheap anyway - and turned to instinct and memories. He rubbed the smooth curve of Don's shell with his good hand and nuzzled his beak against the olive face - a demand for attention, then more softly with a heavy sigh of suppressed pain, feeling wrung out and bruised inside and unable to comprehend why Don was beating himself up when this was so clearly just another example of his own ability to fuck things up.

Don clung to him tightly, his eyes squeezed shut, a couple of tears escaping down his beak before he drew a shaky breath and some of the tension drained out of him. When the olive turtle swallowed uncertainly and chose to return the soft nuzzle instead of saying anything, he knew it would be alright. Later he would worry about how damned sappy he had been … for now he simply remembered. Before they'd known anything about human boundaries and body language, a sleepy, warm embrace was only ever a wriggle and a nuzzle away. Simple language for simple needs. It had been a long time since he'd given Don any real sign of affection, he realised guiltily. Raph rested his chin on the top of Don's head and ignored ego, ignored everything but the feel of his brother pressed against him and waited. His eyes fought to close, his body ached and demanded sleep, but he forced himself to stay awake until the quiet sounds of distress had faded into deep, even breathing against his neck. Then his eyes sagged shut, sleep reclaiming him in moments and for the first time ... dreamed nothing at all.

Mikey's turn came a few days later and in contrast to Don's quietly dissolved composure was an explosion of angry, hysterical tears and accusations about his stupidity that failed to stop until he'd shoved off the blankets and cornered him - wrapping sore arms around the shaking shell, ignoring the half-hearted attempts to shove him away. His little brother's distress was easier to handle - simple fear and shock compared to Don's complicated litany of guilt and self-blame. Raph held Mike as he sniffled resentfully before flinging tight arms around him with a whimper.

'Dude, don't ever do that to us again, y'know? We thought you were dead, Raph and -' he swallowed convulsively. '- everything was f-falling apart -' his voice broke and the healing tears finally came.

Raph squeezed his eyes shut and hugged him fiercely.

'I know, Mikey. I'm sorry, bro.' he whispered harshly. It was now official. He was the world's biggest jerk.

Eventually Leo had turned up to peel the youngest away with soft orders to hit the shower and let Raphael rest. He climbed back into bed gratefully, legs trembling and ignored Leo when his brother returned to settle in the nearby chair and resume the standing watch they were keeping over him.

'I'm an asshole, aren't I.' he grated darkly, emotion making his eyes sting.

Leo watched him quietly but said nothing and Raph scowled at the ceiling, blinked back the self-pity and drifted back to sleep.

By the end of a week he was starting to feel a little better, his mind clearer, and the situation was starting to grate. Eventually he was gonna snap under the constant surveillance but for now he took it with as much good grace as he could muster. Which meant choking down the soups they brought him, enduring the next two injections Don and Leo pinned him down for with minimal snarls and slumping back into exhausted oblivion whenever the fussing stopped long enough. A couple more days of sleeping heavily and his appetite began to come back in stops and starts, his chest was beginning to feel less like a solid, paper-mache lump in his ribcage and the enforced bed-rest was starting to piss him off.

Don predictably tensed up as soon as he showed signs of wanting to move around and the barrage of medical information had enough anxiety behind it make him pause. Raph had heard most of it before - countless times - the dangers of septic shock living underground as they did. And though he understood the majority of what Don said when he went on about the complications of pneumonia - vaguely intimidating conditions that he'd never heard before - pleurisy, empyema and something called acute respiratory distress syndrome, Raph knew his brother - knew that Donnie had probably researched the shit out of things in order to feel more in control of the situation. Raph understood that and he understood that if Don was paranoid there was probably something worth being concerned about.

That didn't mean he had to listen.

_Fuck it_, if he didn't get out of Leo's room - even for just a few minutes, he was going to go _nuts. _

To the toilet and back seemed a good place to begin.

It ended miserably.

That one, pathetic attempt to make it to the bathroom ended with a squawk of panic from Mikey, a narrow-eyed glare from Don and a hiss of fury from Leo. They found him leaning against the lair wall on the verge of collapse, trembling and dizzy, struggling to breathe the spots out of his vision as the floor rolled beneath his feet. They paid no attention to his weak snarl of frustration as they half carried him to the bathroom like a damn invalid, _watched_ _him pee _to make sure he didn't fall over and then escorted him back to Leo's room ignoring his dark curses. In the end it wasn't worth it. Ultimately, gritting his teeth and letting them help him limp there was preferable to dealing with Don's 'bottle solution' which was only half a solution, falling on his face or more of Donnie's lectures.

That didn't mean he had to like it.

Another few days passed. They relaxed their watchfulness finally, recognising his need for space. Mikey was still clingy, his smile too-bright. Don fussed in his own efficient manner and Leo watched over them all, saying little, the unfinished words between them like a standing bridge waiting to be crossed - or an axe hanging over his head - but he endured their fussing, aware just how badly he'd scared them. If he was honest, he'd scared _himself _… within the sleep he needed so badly waited the dreams … _falling endlessly into a suffocating black abyss surrounded by the frightening silhouettes of his brothers, tangled in chains, suspended like bloated balloons._ He woke frequently, the sweat of terror and denial sticky on his face and could only curse himself softly. He was alive wasn't he? His brothers were safe - but the dreams didn't have to make sense to be terrifying. Despite the fear that awaited him, the deeper sleep was doing him good and by the end of that week he was over the worst of it and spending more and more time awake.

It left him time to think … and thinking only made him restless.

Leo.

Leo's bed.

How many times had he lain awake thinking about the few short meters between his brother's room and his own? He'd been in here before when the eldest was out of the lair, just once in a moment so pathetic he can barely stand to remember it, sitting on the bed so he could bring the pillow to his face and somehow absorb Leo's scent off the linen. Wondering if Leo was made out of ice these days or if he touched himself when noone was looking. Did he think of anything in particular when he stroked himself to a gasping release? Did he think of humans? Or did he remember soft touches beneath the blankets all those years ago?

So many years thinking about Leo's bed - trying _not_ to think about what Leo might be doing _in_ his bed - and now here he was and all he wanted to do was get out of the damn thing. He felt trapped. Smothered by his brother's powerful presence in this room with its simple calligraphy hangings and the racks of spare blades - most of which he'd helped forge. One of the few gifts he could give of any meaning without actually putting a bow on something. The low bookcase held neat rows of books, mostly in Japanese. He could read some of them, others were at the more complex end of the language spectrum he had never bothered to master. In the corner was a low table with the half melted candles the eldest lit during his meditations.

Neat and elegant, simple but refined.

And yet ... Raph knew there was so much more - because beneath the calm composure lay the deadly shadows and within them something beautiful and fierce. A more refined darkness than his own - just as lethal, just as violent ... but more contained. Adrenaline and the burn of straining muscles. The tang of blood and a rush of fierce savagery. A part of him relished the dangerous back and forth they'd been dancing ... part of him found the knife's edge a dark rush - just how far could he push before Leo snapped and let the mask shatter? Glimpses of his twin beneath the layers of training and honour and guilt and duty and endless crap that had fallen between them. Raw, searing glimpses that left both of them bruised, sometimes bleeding ... but at least it was _real. _

Now they were so different in so many ways. Their priorities, the things they wanted … and yet hadn't Leo made it more than clear less than a fortnight ago that he wanted_ more_? The kind of more that had left him sweating in his hammock, wrestling with himself, his raging hormones and the ghost of his dead father? Wishing that Leo would come in and finish what he'd started, wishing he didn't feel so damn -_fucking- _confused.

Just recalling the drainage channel gave him an instant, raging hardon. _Leo's tongue in his mouth … a knee pressing between his thighs demanding access … rough fingers on the back of his head and a kiss so hungry and searing that for a few blinding seconds all thought had stopped._ He swallowed, breathing hard at the memory. Leo wanted him, that much was clear … but what else did he want and why now all of a sudden - after all these years of fighting?

Raph, closed his eyes tightly. He felt like he was holding his entire life in his hands and one wrong move would end everything.

He didn't know what to do, didn't know how to move forward. He only knew that they'd reached a point of no return.

Things had to change.

One way or another.


	6. Chapter 6

_Two years ago ..._

* * *

><p>Raph dives off the edge of the building because he's run out of options - it's jump for it or be skewered by the Foot Elite on the rooftop. His weapons are gone, his brothers are facing foes of their own, so he leaps wildly and braces for an impact he knows is going to hurt like shell.<p>

He hits the edge of the building awkwardly, every breath in his lungs slammed out of him in a rush and finds himself slipping down, plastron grinding, until he's dangling 4 stories up by his raw fingers, struggling to breathe and hold on. The concrete is like a block of ice beneath his fingers, slick and biting to the bone wherever it makes contact. He grits his teeth and ignores the pain, focusing on trying to draw more than a thin hiss into his lungs. There's a muffled cry from above and he twists his head up in time to see the tip of a blade emerge through the elite's chest before the ninja sags forward and is jerked back out of sight before he can fall into the alley below.

'Raph, are you alright?' An urgent hiss and Leo is suddenly there, a dark silhouette kneeling against the overcast sky, back-lit by a sepia moon.

'Raph! Answer me!' Responding holds a close second to drawing a damn breath - difficult with the strain on his arms and chest and the slice across his leg burning with cold fire. He can feel the blood dribbling down his thigh and knows enough to tell it's a serious wound.

He managed to draw a shuddering breath - his fingers creaked with strain.

'Leo … _slippin_'-' he gritted.

There was a green flash past his shoulder and then his fingers gave way. He plummeted one heart-stopping story before his brother's arm shot out and they locked wrists. The force of his fall almost wrenched Leo off the side of the fire escape and Raph grunted painfully as he jerked to a stop and slammed forward into the ironwork. It hurt. _ Alot._

Leo hauled him up over the railing with a strained grunt and Raph sprawled awkwardly across his brothers chestplate, gasping for breath that wouldn't come as white spots blurred in and out of his vision.

'Are you ok?' The eldest demanded tersely, pushing free.

Raphael sat up with a hiss of pain. 'Winded.' he croaked awkwardly, the need for a decent breath overcoming all else when hitting the fire escape had only added to the problem.

Leonardo was more concerned with the vicious gash. In the faint residual light given off by the glowing clouds his leg looked like it was coated in shining black ink.

'Dammit, Raph. Your leg is a mess. You should have seen that stroke coming.' He looked up in concern at the strained, pale expression on his brother's face and took his shoulder firmly.

'Focus on your breathing. Calm and slow.'

Raph clenched his jaw and nodded. Somehow it was easier with Leo's hand on his shoulder. Gradually his spasming diaphragm relaxed and the fiery pain in his thigh began to flare.

'Did see it.' he growled finally, gripping his thigh with a grimace.

Leonardo just gave him_ the look _that promised serious and lengthy lectures on how he'd fucked up, sometime in the near future. Raph glared at him and leaned his shell against the iron railings of the small landing. The eldest pulled emergency bandages from his belt pouch and began wrapping his thigh tight enough to make him sweat in the icy wind.

'Christ, Leo.' he hissed shakily. His brothers eyes were hard and uncompromising in the dark shadows and Raph turned his head away with a scowl. If he didn't know better he'd think the elder didn't give a damn - but he knew Leo iced over when he was worried and this was no time and place to be soft.

'It's deeper than I would have preferred.' Leo told him, testing the bandage.

'Next time I'll tell him to keep it shallow.' he snapped sarcastically.

Leo eyed the bandages as they began to stain red and tied the end more firmly. 'No. Next time _dodge_.'

Raph shot him a dark look, panting clouds of cold steam and changed the subject. 'Where's Mikey and Don?' he muttered.

Leo looked up towards the rooftops. 'They split off to lead the rest away after we saw you go over the edge. They should be halfway home by now.'

Raph frowned. 'We better get moving if we're gonna catch up.'

Leo looked back at him, his dark eyes glinting in the dark. They both knew catching up was impossible in his condition.

'They'll be fine. We took out the elites, the stragglers are demoralised. They'll follow so they can tell Karai they pursued but they'll be happy when Don and Mike ditch them in the underground. It's you I'm worried about. We can't run with your injury.'

Raph grunted and pulled himself upright using the iron railings, testing his leg gingerly. As soon as he put pressure on it, a bolt of screaming agony shot up thigh into his stomach and blood began streaming down his leg, welling past the bindings.

'God_ dammit_.' he choked back a cry of pain.

Leo steadied him grimly.

'Keep your weight off it. Pass me your kit.' he said quietly.

Raphael dug into his belt pouch with trembling fingers and passed his brother his own roll of spare bandages, muffling curses as Leo knelt in front of him and layered his first efforts over with an even tighter layer. He looked up.

'How does it feel?'

Raph was struggling to turn short, sharp gasps into deeper, controlled breaths and failing. He angled his face up to the sky, eyes squeezed shut, his breath streaming in frosty clouds.

'Fuk'n_ peachy_, Leo. Can we just go home already?'

Leonardo stood and gripped his jaw, his dark eyes studying Raph's pupils before the other jerked away with a soft growl.

'I _said_I'm fine.' he bit out. 'Just give me a hand, will ya?'

The elder clearly didn't believe him, giving an almost imperceptible sigh before moving forward to take one of Raph's arms over his shoulder. Before they could begin the awkward clamber up the stairs there was a loud giggle from below and they both froze, pulling back against the building awkwardly into the deeper darkness.

They both watched with trepidation, large eyes dilated in the darkness as a young woman tugged her male companion deeper into the alley just below them into one of the sheltered doorways, her throaty laughter echoing up to them. This was one of the seedier areas of town, close to a few clubs and the kind of district a man could go to find company of just about any type.

Raph shifted uncomfortably, the tension in Leo's shoulders clear beneath his arm. He hurt like a bitch and he was tired.  
>Home was sounding pretty damn sweet.<p>

He jerked his head towards the stairs impatiently. _ Lets go already. _

A short, sharp head shake and a quick look. _ They'll hear us. Be patient. _

Leo was right of course - any movement from their current position would expose them to clear view from below and being discovered wasn't an option when he could barely walk, let alone run up a flight of stairs. Stealth wasn't going to be easy either.

Raph snorted a cloud of frustrated, frosty breath into Leo's vision and his brother glanced at him narrowly. _Cut it out._

A moment later their eyes widened as a clear moan drifted up to them and Raph was almost grateful he'd lost enough blood to avoid flushing in childish embarrassment. Beside him Leo shifted in agitation, his fingers finding a better grip on Raph's forearm, and they stood there pressed against each other in the freezing cold whilst beneath them the couple began to screw up against the alley wall. Which meant they were stuck here until fucking against a frozen brick wall lost its appeal or the drunken bastard managed to cum.

_Just. Fucking. Peachy. Would this night -ever- fucking end?_

Raph found himself grimacing in disgust as the woman began moaning in tandem to the rhythmic grunts coming from below, suddenly acutely aware of the places Leo's body pressed against his own, warm in the cold night air. He wanted to move away as the slightly obscene, thrusting noises increased in volume but that would be like admitting it bothered him - the only thing worse than having to listen to it. Even if it did, love and sex were things you didn't talk about. Love they would probably never have … sex … sex was something you did with your hand, not another living, breathing being. No matter how much you might want to. No matter what boundaries you'd dreamed of crossing.

He knew when Leo was studying him by the slight shift of frosted clouds in the air beside him and the faint rise and fall beneath his arm that seemed to get a little faster. Time seemed to drag out and Raph felt an old ache throb to life in his belly. The sounds of the couple beneath seemed to fade away and there was only the warm shoulders beneath his arm, the fingers firm on his wrist, the steady beat of his brothers heart against Raph's side and the warm scent that was so familiar, so uniquely Leo that he'd know it anywhere. He found himself suspended, as if Leo's eyes held him in place with will alone, aware that if he moved his head ever so slightly to the side their faces would be almost touching. The eldest seemed to float in the same odd spell, barely moving, barely breathing, hyper-aware of each other as the night muted around them.

Then some kind of decision seemed to be made, Leo's breath was frosting his neck and Raphael found himself turning despite himself. Their eyes locked and Raph felt his stomach give an odd lurch. Leo's eyes were like pools of deep dark water, the obsidian of a stormy sea, troubled as he studied Raph's face, darkened by inner turmoil and distant pain.

'Raph …' he murmured lightly, breaking the look. 'Do you ever … think about having that?'

Raphael snorted in shock and looked away, relieved the tension seemed to have passed.

'_That?_Are you serious?' he demanded softly.

Leo stiffened. 'You know what I mean.' he whispered.

Raph didn't respond for a long time, not until it became clear Leo was waiting for an answer.

'Sometimes.' he admitted, leaning against the eldest more than he wanted to as a wave of weakness gripped him.

When Leo was silent, Raph shrugged roughly.

'Ain't like we're ever going to meet someone who doesn't screw first and scream later, bro. Most of the people we know are more interested in killin' us than hooking up.' he muttered darkly. 'I can't see either theme changin' anytime soon.'

Leo's breath frosted softly as he considered the crude statement. Finally he shook his head slightly, his words faint. 'Sometimes I think about it.' When Raph didn't attempt to mock him, he continued softly, his expression sad, eyes bleak. 'Sometimes I can't think about anything else. Someone who could love and accept what we are. What I am. I …I find myself thinking -'

Raphael turned his head slightly. Leo's eyes were dark with confusion and an odd hesitation he'd never seen before.

'Thinkin'_ what_, Leo?' It was said softly but it hung like a challenge between them, their faces bare inches apart, Raph's gaze dark and glittering, though Leonardo couldn't say if it was the pain or something else that gave his look such intensity.

The eldest shook his head with a frown. 'Forget it.' he muttered.

'I always do.' Raphael murmured under his breath, turning away.

Leo looked at him sharply but Raph's golden eyes were turned down on the couple that had chosen that moment to stir themselves, giggling faintly as they left the alley to pursue a continuation of their drunken evening.

Leo pulled Raph more upright.

'Let's go.'

But Raphael's legs gave out as soon as he tried to move forward and Leo struggled to hold him as they crashed against the railing, the emerald turtle fumbling awkwardly to steady himself. After all the noise they'd made, it was a miracle nobody had looked out their window, one that Leo didn't trust to hold forever.

'_Dammit,_Raph.' he hissed. 'Why didn't you say something?'

'_Fuck you_, Leo. You're the one who wanted to stand here, remember?' Raphael snarled angrily, the words beginning to slur. 'Next time you wanna get your rocks off watching humans fuck, get Donnie to download some porn.'

Leonardo stiffened in anger but worry overcame all other emotions as he took in the odd hue of his brother's face as the light fell across it and realised just how heavily Raph had been leaning on him, the scent of blood thick in the air. When he looked down at where they'd been standing he realised with a sick jolt that the distant, faint drip he'd been hearing for the last few minutes was Raphael bleeding out right there on the fire escape. The bandages weren't holding.

The next hour was torturous. An awkward descent to street level, dropping down the closest manhole because Raph couldn't move fast enough to avoid being spotted if an enemy patrol came to investigate the one they had so recently destroyed. The likelihood of that was high - the Foot were always careful to remove traces of their activities. They spent an unpleasant hour below street level, Raphael lying on the cold concrete with his calf raised onto Leo's shoulder so he could clamp his hands around the bandages and add more pressure in an attempt to slow the blood loss. Shivering, they'd waited restlessly for Don and Mikey to make the trip all the way back out with the van.

By the time they'd hauled the emerald turtle into the truck he was barely conscious, leg soaked despite two layers of bandaging and both their bandannas tied as tight as he could get them without tearing, and Leo's stomach was knotted with worry, his hands sticky with blood.

When his emerald sibling was finally stretched out on the cot in Don's lab, stitched up and sleeping off the blood loss, Leo had finally allowed himself to take a deeper breath. Don had assured him Raph would be fine - the blade had nicked a small artery but the bleeding had finally stopped so all he needed was rest. The thick white bandage from kneecap to groin was so bright against Raph's dark skin it seemed to sear into his vision, a visual slap, a reminder that he'd failed to care for his brother as he should have - failed to protect him from being hurt just as he'd then failed to take into account the severity of the injury. Feeling too tense to sleep and too tired to train, he watched over Raphael as he slept, the words of their conversation running through his mind, nagging at his inner walls.

_Watching humans fuck.  
><em>  
>Recognising that the words bothered him for a reason, he forced himself to consider the statement honestly though his jaw clenched uncomfortably at what he discovered within himself.<p>

_Humans._

It wasn't humans he'd been thinking about with Raph's face inches from his own.

He rubbed his face with unsteady fingers. _What did that mean?_

Disturbed, he sat up long into the night studying the familiar emerald face, trying to sort through the inner turmoil. The memory of dark golden eyes and a question heavy with challenge kept breaking his concentration.

Something had changed.


End file.
